Skinny envy

I don’t want my blog to be me moaning about being fat all the time. But I write whatever I feel like on the day, although i cover an eclectic range of topics, sometimes a certain topic is on my mind more than others. And this week it’s fat. I would also like to say I am actually doing something about my weight so I feel I can moan, as I’m being proactive in changing.

As I’ve gotten older I’m really good at not getting ‘skinny envy’ when I was younger it was quite bad. If someone was too pretty or too body perfect I’d be funny with them and find reasons not to like them. This is hard to admit as I’m nothing like that today. What is ironic, is looking back I WAS one of those pretty, thin girls I just didn’t see it at the time.

I used to find others girls threatening in every way, i was so insecure it ruled my life. I thought all my friends were prettier than me and that I was always the ugly fat one. This was far from the truth but being a teenager does crazy things to your brain.

I don’t look at slim people now and pick holes in them, they’re just people. For all I know they could of been my size and worked their arse off to get that body. They might not of eaten sugar or carbs for 10 years, they might have an illness, what I’m getting at is you never know someone’s story. I don’t judge people for being fat so why would I judge someone for being slim?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and just because I think someone is beautiful, it doesn’t take away anyone else’s beauty, not all beautiful people are threatening. Beauty is also more than skin deep, and just because they’re attractive it doesn’t mean they’re a good person.

As I got older I realised that right now I’m not conventionally ‘good looking’ but I’m still beautiful inside which in turn makes me more attractive. I hope this is making sense!

There’s times I still feel super self conscious and I want to ground to swallow me up, when I can feel eyes staring at my belly or my arms. Or staring at how much room I’m taking up on a bench, but I’m learning to breath through it and keep myself together. 

I don’t look at every thin person and think ‘I hate her I wish I looked like that.’ Because I really don’t. I might look at someone and think ‘I love her dress/shorts/top I wish I could wear that, or I wish my bum/back/arms/tummy/legs looked like that’. But it’s not bitchy envy, it’s more me feeling a bit sad for myself. 

From time to time, I will see someone that reminds me of the old me. That is what really gets to me. It makes me think ‘what if.’

What if…after starting my anti psychotics and my weight started exploding I stopped taking them and tried another medication?

What if….I made more of an effort to counteract the weight gain before it got to this point?

What if….after gaining the weight THEN falling pregnant again I tried harder not to gain anymore?

What if….the second I had my baby I really tried to loose it all before it got comfy on my body?

What if…. I looked how that girl does right now? How different would my life be? How different would I feel? How many opportunities would I of taken? 

Life is full of what ifs, and I can not STAND thinking so negativity . I HATE feeling sorry for myself. I’m so much stronger than that but sometimes it’s like I fall into little puddles of it.

Those are my thoughts from today, I’d love to hear in the comments how you feel about this subject. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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I made a discovery today!!! This is going to be bigger than finding out the world is round!!! I just had to share it with you all!!!

In Tesco I noticed they were selling Oreo peanut butter ice cream cookie sandwiches, my heart sank as I love Oreos, ice cream and peanut butter. To tease myself I picked up the packet, I then noticed the calories per ICECREAM… I worked it out in my head… 

6 SYNS!!!!!! 

Only 6 syns!!!!!!!

That was it, they went straight in my trolley as I went skipping to the tills. 

When I got home I opened the packet straight away, they’re not the biggest ice creams in the world but they taste gorgeous! Two big biscuity Oreos with cream peanut butter ICECREAM. 

Worth every single syn! It felt like a huge treat and what’s even better is that no one in my house likes peanut butter so they’re mine all mine!!! 


What low syn ice creams do you enjoy?! I’d love to hear in the comments below!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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Resisting eating crap, it was worth it and my BIGGEST tip on saying NO (Still on track!)

Well well well a few days later and I’m still ruling  healthy eating!!! I’ve not even been that tempted to stray, I’m feeling so much better physically and mentally I don’t want to fuck it up now. 

After having a few months binging I didn’t want to know the damage I had done, so instead of weighing and beating myself up. 

I simply started again. 

Before I went off track this time I was 9 pounds off a 3 stone weightloss. So in my mind, as long as I was at that weight I had counteracted the damage I had done by eating nothing but crap. 

Today I weighed myself to see how I was getting on, I was tickled pink to see I am 3.5 pounds off a 3 stone weight loss!!!! 

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

Seeing the numbers fall is more addictive than drugs, it makes me keep going and makes everytime I say no to something naughty worth while. 

This morning I was at a cafe with my kiddies. In the queue to get them a drink and a snack my brain went through this process:

Those giant fruit and nut flap jacks look good shall I get one?…. no no far too many syns…. then again that could be my treat for the day?… no no you’ll regret it later when you want a vodka and a Curley whirly…those ham and cheese paninis look good… no no your having a brown pitta bread with dinner don’t have more bread…. hmmmm but they do look really good…. what about crisps you could get quavers…£1 a bag? Yeah I don’t want them that much…. what about the hummus crisps?… holy shit 9 syns a bag maybe not….. fuck it I’ll just get a drink.

Then I sat there, sipping my oasis zero, proud and feeling like I just lost another 0.5 of a pound by saying NO.

I wish I could remember where I learnt my biggest and best tip for saying no, as when I feel myself needing a boost to keep me motivated I’ll do this for a few days and it massively helps remind me of how far I’ve come. It’s quite simple;

Get yourself a notebook and pen, throughout the day every single time to resist something naughty, write it down. 

For example, if when you buy your morning coffee your offered a muffin half price with the coffee and you say NO, write it down. 

If at work someone offered you a slice of cake or a biscuit with your tea and you say NO, write it down. 

If at lunch time you walk past McDonald and mentally argue with yourself about having it and end up saying NO, write it down. 

If at dinner time you toy with the idea of a takeaway but resist, wrote it down.

Then at the end of the day add up the syns you said no to, you will be amazed at what that number on the bottom of the page says. 

It’ll show you how far you have actually come at saying no and that every time you do, it’s weight that otherwise would be going on. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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Still on track and what’s keeping me going!! 

It’s day 7 and I’m still on track!!! I’m in the zone, nothing can stop me!!! I am a dieting god slaying one fat cell at a time with my sword of cucumber, yellow pepper and wholemeal wraps.

Already I can feel a difference and my friend and other half have noticed random patches of fat on my body start to go down. 

The sun is keeping me happy and reminding me of what I would love to be wearing in the summer right now!! 

Only 5.5 weeks until my birthday night away and only 7.5 weeks until our little family holiday! If I can stay on track till then I know I will feel fantastic. No where near at my goal but like I said before, that’s ok. As long as I try my hardest from now until then I’ll be happy. 

After work I’m going to do another healthy food shop and stock up on the things that keep me on track. Tomorrow after work I’ll be going swimming.

I’ve not given in to temptation and I feel amazing for it. When I go off track I feel so shitty but today is positive central and I’m so determined to do this.

I don’t want to be stick thin, I just want to be able to go into a normal shop, grab a dress in my size and it fit. 

I’m sick of always being the biggest one.

I’m sick of being sweaty all the time in this heat, improving my fitness is helping but I’m still walking tap. 

I’m sick of being scared of chairs.

All these things are propelling me and keeping me going!

What inspires you to stay on track? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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The ‘perfect’ slimming world week

Ah the perfect week, food diary perfection. Each day was as healthy and ‘sticking to the rules’ as the next. There was no cheating, no over indulging and no binging. Our slimming world at its finest. When you step on those scales and see the results you know in your heart you did the very best that you could. No regret from eating a whole cake or not counting cheese as a syn for the hell of it, you just feel proud and like you have achieved.

When I first began I had many perfect weeks, but the last two months I’ve been mucking about and wasting time. 

This week shall be a perfect week. I’m on day 4 of my week, only 3 more days to do and I have made it! My weigh in day is Friday so I’m extending my perfect week until then. I didn’t weigh last week as I was a big baby and didn’t want to know the damage I had done.

I’m praying when I step on those scales on Friday I see a number I haven’t seen in a while. I’ve been floating between about half a stone for the past two months and I need to push through it to the other side!! 

I’m so close to my 3 stone off mark I need to stay on track and think of the bigger picture. 

I am confident 

I am determined 

I can fucking do this

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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My Slimming world Syn essentials!! (Part one)

If I want a successful slimming world week there are a few syn’ed items I just have to have in my cupboards. These items stop me from going off track and are something to look forward too. I try and be syn free all day so I can have a munch in the evening, that way I don’t feel left out when my other half eats his weight in mars bars and malteasers!! 

Options Belgium choc mint hot chocolate

These are life savers in a packet! If after lunchtime I have a quiet afternoon, and all I want to do is binge on chocolate I’ll make myself a hot chocolate. They’re really sweet (even sweeter after adding two sweetness!) it takes me a while to drink and actually fills me up a bit. At 2 syns I think it’s well worth it, this leads on to my next essential…


Flump marshmallow chopped into tiny pieces in the hot chocolate is GORGEOUS. It turns into a gooey stick sweet yummy mess. Flumps are 2 syns so with the hot choc its 4 but lasts way longer than anything else that has 4 syns so it’s worth it.

Curly whirly 

This isn’t something I would usual eat when I’m not dieting, but when I am it’s beautiful. I can’t believe they’re only 6 syns! I can really take my time eating them too and as they look big it tricks my mind that it’s a huge treat. 

Low fat mayo & low sugar and salt ketchup

Half the syns of the regular sauces these are a staple in my house. I used the mayo for my wrap at lunch and the ketchup for making BBQ pulled pork and dipping at dinner time. 

Panko bread crumbs

This is quite a random one but a good one. They’re light Japanese breadcrumbs. I use these to make my own low syn-high flavour breaded chicken. There are tonnes of recipes you can adapt using these breadcrumbs to lower the syns. I whiz mine up in a blender with loads of spices before dipping the chicken in egg then the bread crumb mixture. Even my fussy family like these so they are part of our weekly meal plan now!

Low fat sour cream

I bloody love sour cream I can eat it with literally anything. However it’s packed full of syns so I’ve started buying a low fat version. I’ll like it with fahijta wraps and over chilli, it’s lower syns that cheese and makes me feel like I’m not missing out. I also use it to make a peppercorn sauce with steak by putting a dollop in the pan, heating it up slowly and added ground pepper, makes my veggies taste better too.

I hope you enjoyed part one of my slimming world essentials, if you’d like to read part two please hit that follow button to stay notified! I’d love to hear in the comments below your favourite syn’d foods.

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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My slimming world food/drink essentials!!!

Recently I fell off the food wagon again, before I could get back on it I went and did a huge food shop. This got me thinking, if I don’t have certain essentials I really struggle to stick with it. But when I have my essentials I am unstoppable, a weight loosing machine! So here are my slimming world essentials I need to succeed.


I realise tummy wise not everyone is able to do this, but I have 3 eggs for breakfast in the morning. It fills me up and stops me using up my B choice so early in the day, which in turn stops me going off track. 

2. Apples

As I am constantly on the go it’s important that at least some of my speed food is ready to grab and eat. After my eggs I’ll grab two apples and eat them while I’m out and about. 

3. Brown wholemeal wraps

At lunch these are a god send, unlike the tiny bread you get as a B choice a wholemeal wrap can trick your self into thinking your eating something huge! I stuff mine with ham turkey lettuce and a dab of mayo. Yummy filling and can be eaten anywhere. 

4. Muller light yogurts

These are my sweet treats, if I’m peckish or want to eat a packet of kitkats I’ll reach for a mullet light to curb that sweet tooth. It’s a shame they’re so expensive, I also find it difficult to find the more interesting flavours. These issues aside they’re still always in my fridge! 

5. Syn free sandwich meat

As well as stuffing my wrap with handfuls of turkey and ham, I make sure I have extra to snack on. When hunger kicks in and it’s not dinner time it’s very easy for me to go off track as I can’t be bothered or I don’t have the time to prepare something substantial. This is where the sandwich meat comes in, it fills me up and keeps the hunger at bay. 

6. Un sweetened Almond milk 

I am not vegan by any means but I’m a big fan of almond milk, as well as loving the taste you are allowed approximately 500ml as your healthy A choice!! You’ll want to double check that as each brand is different. My favourite is Amond Breeze, it’s so creamy and yummy I could drink it all day. It also tastes good in coffee whereas some other brands have a very strange taste. 

7. Vodka

Last but not least it’s vodka! I save myself a tonne of syns in the summer by having vodka around, I love sweet fruit ciders but they are super high in syns so instead I’ll have a vodka with Diet Coke or with diet Fanta to make it different. Which is 2 syns per shot of vodka, I have a measuring glass the ensure I’m using the right amount and not going over. 

Thank you for reading my essentials list! I love reading other people’s ticks and tricks so thought I’d start sharing mine. Soon I’ll write a post on my favourite treats and syns which might give you some ideas of what to munch on! 

What can you not live without on slimming world?! I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old