Things I worried about being pregnant and what I would say to myself now

I have two children so I feel quite experienced in this subject matter. I remember the first time I was pregnant having so many worries, that got me thinking about what I would say to myself if I could. This blog post idea was then born! So here are some of the worries I had while being pregnant for the first time, and my response now.

What if I forget I have a baby and leave them in a shop?

I remember this haunting my dreams, what if I forgot my baby!! If I could go back I would say to myself, with pure hearted honesty, this WILL NOT happen. That baby will come first before anything you will never forget them. You might want to walk out of a shop after they’ve been crying for 3 hours in protest, but you will not forget your baby. 

What if the baby gets too hot or too cold?

I had a strange obsession that I wouldn’t know if my baby would be too hot or too cold and that I wouldn’t know. Quite random I know. I remember some advice my friend gave me, if your hot or cold the baby more and likely will be too, they’ll get red cheeks if they’re hot and they’ll feel cold to the touch if they’re cold. They will also more than likely cry to let you know if there’s something they’re not happy with. I would tell myself to listen to my friend as all of that was true! 

What if I have a mutant baby that even I can’t love?

This one is a rather taboo subject but I know for a fact that a lot of first time mums worry about this. What if my baby is hideous? My advice would be, even if that baby is green, covered head to toe in scales and has 10 eyes you will still think it is the most beautiful baby ever born. You’ll think the green scales and multiple eyes are just adorable and so cute. You might look at baby photos years later and think hmmm they actually looked a bit funny but I promise you when that babies first born you won’t!

What if I’m literally ripped in half pushing this baby out and I’m left with nothing but one giant hole you could fit a tree trunk in?

This is a very common worry with new mums, maybe not the tree trunk bit but that your ‘downstairs’ will be changed forever and will always be a giant flappy hole. I would say to myself, after laughing at the hysteria, that you will be amazed at how quick it will all snap back. One baby will not destroy your bits or your sex life. Even after two my lady garden is good to go, and my second baby was 10 pounds and I needed stitches front and back! 5 babies might do some damage but your fine with one or two!

Will I cope in labour?

This really is one thing I WISH I could go back in time and tell myself. I was petrified of the thought that this baby had to come out. Even my second pregnant I was terrified, but the first was definitely the biggest of worries as you have no idea what to expect. I was a total wimp at that point in my life, I was quite young and and would cry over a paper cut so I had no idea how I was going to cope with a human coming out of me. I would say to myself:

YOU WILL BE THE BOSS OF LABOUR!!!! The first labour will only be a couple of hours, you will be in agony, your head will be FUCKED as that little person slips out of you but you will do great! You’ll do the whole thing with no pain relief and no drugs and be so proud you could scream it from the roof tops. You won’t melt down, you won’t abuse the staff, you won’t freak out and die, you’ll get on with the job at hand and get that shit done. You will be that amazing in fact when you have your second child the midwife will joke she should of recorded you to show “what the perfect attitude to labour can be like” second time round you’ll be laughing and joking in between contractions and be so excited to meet your second little one. My advice to all new mums worrying about this….the second you see that baby you won’t care what you just had to go through. If I had to go through labour every day of my life to have my kiddies I would, they were worth every excruciating second and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I would love to hear in the comments below what your worries were, or if you pregnant now if you have any questions leave them in the comments below!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old 

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Bipolar, medication and pregnancy (the things no one talks about)

This is a rather taboo subject, so me being me I’ve decided to talk about it. When I was going through all of this I couldn’t find much online so maybe someone going through the same thing will stumble across this one day. 

I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until I was 24 years old. I had already had our first child. After being diagnosed I was on 500mg of quetiepine, this was a shock to the system to say the least. I will be writing more in depth about this another time. 

A few months after settling in to the anti psychotic lifestyle, we found out I was 6 weeks pregnant with baby number two, which we were happy about. But it did leave the big question of what happens to my medication? 

I was told by my doctor I had to come off my medication for the first 3 months of pregnancy, then we would decided what was more risky, me being on or off the medication. Like an idiot I didn’t take the advise of weening myself off them, I just stopped taking them.

This was a stupid move.

I can not tell you how physically sick it made me, I had the shakes, I was throwing up it really was horrendous. After the initial withdrawal happened I become very mentally ill. I had forgotten how horrible it felt unmedicated and it hit me 10 times harder than ever before. I constantly felt nervous worried and guilty, I was so over whelmed with emotion if I wasn’t crying I was throwing up. So on top of pregnancy hormones I was loosing my mind. It was one of the worst few months of my life I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Trying to work and look after our daughter as well was really hard, I was a total mess. 

During this time I was being closely watched by my doctors, they saw the rapid decline and decided at the 3 month mark I was at a huge risk to myself and I needed to go back on the medication. There was no study’s to show if it would effect the baby or not and it was a very difficult decision for us to make as there were unknown risks.

Being honest I was desperate to go back on my pills, I wanted to feel well again and I couldn’t live another day, let alone 6 months being that ill. But then there was the risk of the baby? What if the medication did damage? What if I was going to ruin its poor little life by being selfish and medicating? Because that is just how I felt, selfish and like a disgusting human being for even thinking about going back on the medication while a child was inside me. 

But that is what I did. The doctors strongly advised it and I had had enough. We had tonnes of checkups through the pregnancy and everything was normal, but the guilt and worry I felt will stay with me for the rest of my life. Even now talking about it makes me so uncomfortable because it stirs those feeling up. 
Every doctor I spoke to during that time told me not to feel guilty and that I was doing the right thing, but I felt awful about it. I found forums online of girls saying “I’m taking 50mg I’m so worried” whereas I was on 500mg, I couldn’t find anyone else in my position on such a high dose. This made me feel so alone. 

6 months later, we were blessed by a beautiful healthy baby boy and couldn’t of been happier. We were so lucky everything worked out, but even now I think what if it didn’t? But you can’t live your life thinking “what if” and you have to do what’s best for you. 

After having my first daughter I was severely post natal for about 2 years, so the risk of it happeneing again was high. But because I was on my medication already, after the birth of our boy, I was mentally well, which meant I could be a better mum to my children and I was coping. My dose was upped when I felt it creeping up a few weeks later and it held the crazy at bay. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t see what it is at the time. 

Are you going through something like this or have you had a similar experience? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old