Annoying things about other kids parties 

One of the bains of my existence is kids parties. Having two children myself I have been to my fair share, in fact I’m at one right now so I thought what would be better fitting that to rant about them?! 


The amount of money I spend on other kids birthday presents would cover the cost of Christmas, it’s ridiculous!! I never remember until last minute so it’s always big rush to find the right present, I refuse to spend a lot of money now so I’ll go for toys on offer or lots of bits from pound land. As the kids are getting older it’s getting harder to find things they would like for under a tenner as I will not spend a penny more.

Stupid times

Another thing that’s quite annoying is the times of these parties, they’re always smack bang in the middle of the day which means you can’t do anything else that day. 


This is by far the worst part of kids parties, the parents. I learnt first time round when my daughter started school not to get involved with other mums at school. It causes nothing but drama and fall outs and I can’t stand it. I have my few friends which I’m quite happy with and I don’t need any more. Now my daughter is at the age (9) that I don’t have to stay at the parties I can just drop her off it’s not so bad. But my son started full time school this year so the big fancy little kiddies parties have begun all over again. 

The mums in my sons class have started bickering and falling out and the school year isn’t even over yet, I’m staying well out of it. Every time one of these nutters tries talking to me they end up slagging off the mum sitting 2 foot away from me. Inside I’m dying I don’t want to be guilty through association so I try and get away as quick as possible. 

They’re all in their clicks and I happily sit on the outside as far away as I possibly can. But it’s not fun, it’s boring and lonely but I’d far prefer to feel like this than having fake awkward conversation with people I can’t stand. Don’t get me wrong I’m polite I just don’t wanna be involved! 


I’ve never gotten sucked into this but some parents see these parties as a huge competition of who can have the biggest best and most expensive party. After years of doing my own kids parties I know who charges what and can tell which parties cost stupid money. Which playhouse party is the most expensive and who they hired a bouncy castle from can really bump up the cost of a party. And don’t they love to tell you how much it all cost!! Which is not classy in the slightest. It also doesn’t help that after going to one of these over the top parties your kid then wants the same, “sorry little Jonny mummy can’t spend £500 on a party for 10 children, maybe next year?!”
I would LOVE to hear in the comments below what you hate about other kids parties?!

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Annoying things about being fat when it’s hot

After the fantastic feedback of my Annoying things about being fat post I thought I would continue the series but go a little deeper, so today we shall be talking about being fat in the heat. As this is a whole new ball game of problems. I find writing about these things really inspire me to keep going with my weigh loss, as well as entertain you lovely people.

Getting my arms out

It has only been a year or so that I have liberated my arms and set them free. Since my weight gain they have been firmly covered up. No matter how hot it got or how sweaty and uncomfortable I was I would NEVER EVER get my arms out. My big jiggly wings were not for the publics entertainment and I couldn’t stand looking at them. Even when I was smaller I felt this way I think it’s an issue a LOT of women can relate to. But now I’ve set them free it has made my life tonnes easier in the heat. I just say to myself they won’t look like this forever, I’m trying my hardest to work on my body and since starting swimming I have noticed a difference! 

Getting my legs out

Unless I am in the privacy of my own home my legs do not see sunlight. I live in dresses and leggings and if I’m that hot I think I’m going to pass out I might roll them up over my ankles. I love wearing little shorts at home feeling all cute and what not but I just could not get them out in public it would be far too humiliating! I’ve recently be brave enough to expose the leg beneath my knee (that makes me sound like an 80 year old woman lol) but I’ll be honest I felt naked all day and was worried my dress would blow up exposing my thunder thighs!! I’m still making myself do it though as I need to get over this fear as really the only person who cares is me.

Chaffing central

Ahhhh this is a biggie, the thigh chaffing situation is very unpleasant. If I know I’m going to be walking more than 10 steps I need something to protect my thighs from starting a fire. If I’m wearing a maxi dress which I would die from overheating if I had leggings on too (which I did wear for several years under maxi dresses!) I found myself some long black shorts, imagine leggings but cut off above the knee. They are the least sexy thing I own the look ridiculous, my other half always takes the piss, but they do the job beautifully and no one sees them but me!

A pool of sweat is following me around

Have you ever heard the phrase when it rains it pours?! I don’t think the saying was intended to mean sweat but were using it in that context today! Holy shit I’m getting sweaty, embarrassingly sweaty, and not just in the usual places. It’s seeping out of every pore in my body drenching me head to toe is seconds. I’ll walk up to school thinking wow I’m not as sweaty as I thought I would be,until I stop, then comes the rain sweat. My water bill is going to be huge this month  the amount of showers I’ve been having!

The dreaded sun cream

Sun cream is soooo important and after having a cancerous mole with cancerous cells around it (I’ll write about that soon too) I have to be really careful. But I fucking hate it!!’ No matter what cream I buy I feel greasy and slimy, it also mixes in with the sweat which is just disgusting. Not to mention it’s expensive!!! Between me and the kids we’re going through more suncream than…..well a lot of suncream. I have also just realised this point has nothing to do with being fat!! I went off on a tangent there but it’s still something I hate about the heat. 

I’d love to hear in the comments below what you hate about the heat, no matter what your size!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old


A walk and a play in the park makes everything better

I was moody as hell today, I woke up in an awful mood and really thought it wouldn’t get better. In the afternoon we decided to walk to a big park near us to let the kids have a play. 

I was dreading it, it was hot, I knew it would be busy and I just wanted to be alone. But you know what? It was just what I needed. 

I felt great walking and getting some exercise in. Sitting in the sun felt amazing on my skin and lightened my mood. Watching my kiddies ride around on their bikes and having fun was the icing on the cake. We were there for two hours and it was the best two hours I’ve had in ages. 

Who needs an extra 150mg of quetiapine when you can go to the park? 

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What it was really like going to an all girls school (lesbian antics, boys, gossip, fights)

I went to an all girls secondary school with over 2000 girls, it was a big school and quite an experience. I thought I would share with you what it’s really like going to an all girls school and debunking some myths or preconceptions you might have.

Lesbian antics

It was filled with giant lesbian sleepovers, pillow fights, mud wrestles, orgies and girls get it on every second of every school day. 

That is a joke 

I hate to ruin you fantasy but it was nothing like that. I’m sure the whole school couldn’t of been straight but no one ‘came out’ while I was at a school and I didn’t know of any lesbian activity going on. I’m sure some girls wanted to come out but I imagine they kept it to them selves to save the reticule of ‘ewww does that mean you fancy me?’ ‘Your not watching me get changed for PE’ etc. Hopefully as times have changed in the last 15 years people would be more open to coming out but when I was there there’s no way it would of happened. 


As there were no boys in the school the other sex became a fascination. If there was a youngish new male teacher everyone would hover round their department trying to catch a glimps of the eye candy. If there were men in the school grounds doing maintenance work holy hell you’d think a celebrity was at the school! Hoards of girls running around like headless chickens trying to sniff out the testosterone. Once they found it they would group up like cattle and stare. Don’t know why I’m saying ‘they’ as I used to do this too! 


Now this was a whole new ball game, you had to be so careful who you spoke to and trusted, or the fact that you were fingered by Danny McGee would be half way round the school by first period. Girls would literally run from one class room to the next at lunch time shouting the gossip. Nothing was a secret everything was public knowledge and it was mortifing, if you were the topic of conversation that week your life would be a living hell. I used to feel so sorry for which ever girl was being ridiculed that week as it was relentless. This also applied for rumours, someone was always allegedly pregnant, sleeping with a teacher, being expelled or caught drunk at school.

Appearances matter 

Bearing in mind there were no boys at the school to impress, looking back this one seemed a bit daft. I would literally get up early to do my hair, makeup and to roll my skirt up making it into a belt. Everyone cared about their appearance far more than they should and went to great lengths to look immaculate for school. Girls can be NASTY, their sharp tongues can cut you in half if your not careful, so most people made the effort so not to a target.


You would think at an all girls school there wouldn’t be many physical fights, I’m afraid you are wrong! Fights were a weekly occurrence and incredibly entertaining for those not involved. You would hear the word “FIGHT!!!” Being screamed through the corridors and shortly after a stampede of girls trying to get a look. It was the highlight of the week and fuelled the gossip train until the next persons embarrassing secrets were exposed!

I hope you enjoyed this little insight of an all girls school. I’d love to hear in the comments below if you went to a same sex school and if you can relate to any of these points!

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Annoying things about “perfect” Mums (rant)

We all know at least one “perfect” mum, the kind of mums you will spend your life waiting for them to fuck up. My children are my world but the mums I’m going to be talking about are like a different species. In this post I will be making some huge generalisations for the sake of comedy, but I think I’m pretty accurate with what I’ve come up with! I’ve wanted to write this for a long time and am so pleased I’ve gotten round to doing it, it’s going to feel like drinking a cold Diet Coke on a hot day, refreshing. 

The PTA Mums

God I hate these women. They are pristine, have full time ‘important and powerful’ jobs, they run the PTA, arrange every activity and fair at the school, they bake better than Michelin Star Chefs, they still have a social life and days out as a family, they go the gym and work with a local chairty weekly as well as running marathons and writing award winning novels. But I have figured out their deep dark secret of how they accomplish everything…, they shit time. Think about it, its the only logical thing that makes sense! They poop out a giant chunk of time and cheat at life, how else can one person achieve all that?!?! 

The healthy mums

These are the mums that live in sports gear. Their sleek high pony tail, yoga pants and Nike lycra crop tops. They’re the mums you see running home from the school run, before spending the morning in the gym. They’re the mums that won’t let their kids drink from certain plastic and at kids parties put down as a dietary requirement “no sugar, wheat, gluten, fat, meat, dairy or soy, hope this is not a problem?” 

The mums who can’t be away from their children 

(When my children were younger I did struggle being away from them. But I think when they get to a certain age it’s a lot different. Mine are (nearly) 5 and 9, and I am more than happy with having some ‘me time’. I love them to death and would do anything for them but let’s be honest, when they’re at school or nannys house it’s the best thing ever. I am with my kids 95% of the time outside of school and there is nothing wrong with needing a break!! )

The mum I am referring to is the one mum at the school gates that hysterically sobs at the school gates when her 8 and 10 year old are back at school after the summer holidays, instead of crying tears of relief. The mum that wishes they were only at school 3 days a week so she could be with them the other 4. The mum that gets a job at her kids school to “spend more time” with her children. The mum that turns up at the school gates half an hour early to pick them up. The mum that, when you joke about dumping your kids off at their grandparents, looks at you like your the devil in human form. That fucking mum that makes you look like an awful human being by reply to your joke with “well I actually love being with my children I cherish every second.” *insert puke here*

The ridiculously calm mums 

These are the mums that never loose their cool. You won’t find them shouting at their kids “hurry up we’re going to be late!” So loud that they can be heard two streets away. You won’t find them crying loosing their minds in the middle of Tescos while their toddler is lying on the floor having his 145th paddy that day. You won’t find them dragging their 3 children away from the toy isle screaming “I have no money I told you noooo!!” While carrying the younger two under her arms like rugby balls and pulling the oldest one away by their hair. These women are cool calm and collected at all times and it makes me sick. 

The presentable mums 

I find these women fascinating, how do they have time before 8.30 in the morning to get the kids fed and ready for school, curl their hair, put on a full face of makeup, chose an outfit worthy of a cat walk and wear heels to do the school run? I understand a bit more if they have to go to work afterwards but for the mums doing home to do nothing? Why? If I’m running late I will literally turn up with my hair unbrushed in a messy bun, a pyjama top with a rain coat over the top, leggings and flip flops. Then I have to stand next to someone who looks like they’re ready for a night out. It’s just depressing they need to stop. 

The overly prepared mum

This mum always had a giant Mary poppins bag with her, filled with everything you could ever need. Child fallen over? She has a Mini first aid kit with Paw Patrol plasters.  Sticky hands? She has wet wipes. Asthma attack? She has a spare pump. Kids hungry? She has spare snacks. Your child wets them selves? She has spare knickers. Cut your self on rusty metal? No worries over here have a tetanus jab! This mum is guaranteed to make you feel like the most unprepared, unorganised, amateur embarrassment of a mother. I even forget to bring tissues!  

I really hope you enjoyed this episode of “annoying things about…” I think that has been my favourite to write so far! I’d love to hear in the comments below if you can relate to any of these elite women or if your human like me!

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Annoying things about the school holidays (rant)

As much as I adore my kiddies the school holidays are always dreaded. Yes we don’t have to be up early for the school run, yes I don’t have to make packed lunches, and yes we get to go out and have some fun together…. but this does not mean it isn’t stressful!!!!


I’m lucky enough to be self employed and although I get to choose my own hours, I still have lots of worked booked in that has to be done. If I don’t work I’m not paid so it can’t be avoided. Trying to find people to have the kids is a nightmare, my mum does help out but as she’s not living so close anymore I can’t just drop them off for a couple of hours. If I can’t find anyone the poor monkeys have to stay at home with me, plugged in their iPads to stop the fighting!! 


The school holidays cost me a fortune to keep the kids entertained, we’ll have parks days and days with friends but spending money is unavoidable! Petrol, picnics, ice creams, snacks…blah blah! I always do one big day out somewhere fun per every week they’re off school, don’t get me wrong I love every second, until I realise I spent double what I was supposed to and I’m skint for the rest of the week and have to live off the scraps in the freezer. 


I swear my kids eat double in the holidays what they usually would!!! If I hear the words “muuuuuum I’m hungry” one more time I’m going to scream. I also tend to have a house full of other peoples children in the holidays too, I really do love a house full but a weeks worth of snacks will be gone in just one day! And 8 little voices moaning “I’m hungrrrrrry” was far worse then 2 little voices, but at least they keep each other entertained.


Depending on which school holidays it is, this subject varies. If it’s a short half term, so only a week long, boredom isn’t a huge issue as I can handle a week keeping them occupied. Even a two week holiday isn’t too bad. The worst is the summer holidays, 6 loooooong weeks to try and keep busy. Towards the end they are tiered, bored and ready to go back to school!! 

I miss being alone

Where is my quiet half an hour to write my blog posts or catch up on some telly with a coffee?! Not gonna happen!!!!

House sufers 

Oh my poor poor house, trying to get my house work done with the kids around is a nightmare. Everytime I try and put a toy away it’s “noooo I’m playing with that!!!” Within seconds of hoovering there’s crisp and busicuit crumbs all over the carpets. I clean the bathrooms and my four year old boy wee’s all over the seat. I’ll wipe the kitchen sides down just my my daughter can go make herself a sandwich, leaving half a loafs worth of crumbs behind. After having a house full of kids it’s unrecognisable! 


Out of all my points this is the one that I truly can’t stand. When the kids are getting along it makes my heart melt, they play the cutest games together and I think they’re finally becoming friends. Then in one swoop the arguing starts “ITS MY TURN ON THE TV!!!!” “HE TOOK MY TOY!!!” “SHE HIT MEEEEEE!!!!” “MUUUUUMMMMM!!!!” It echos round my head and makes me want to bloody scream!! They fight over the most petty of things I just don’t understand!!!

What do you hate about the school holidays?! I’d love to hear in the comments below! Please no comments saying “aw this is so mean I love time with my children!” You are clearly lying to yourself and it’s not funny! 😜

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The boys I stalked and embarrassed myself in front of as a teen 

This post is exactly why I wanted an annomus blog. I would die if anyone I knew now heard about these stories but I feel compelled to share them with the internet. None of these stories paint me in a good light so please bare in mind we were all a little crazy as teenagers and I wouldn’t behave like this as a grown woman. If this is your first time on my blog, welcome! Bit of a weird post to start on but hey ho most of my posts are rather odd. 

I recently wrote a post about a strange boy who I went to college with (He got kicked out of college to spend time with me?! Wtf?! (Stalker)) after a little chat in my comments section it reminded me that I had done some stalking in my day too. As well as acting like an utter twat. So as the flawed human being that I am, I decided it was it was only fair to share my embarrassing boy obsessions from my teenage years. 

Story number one – I threw up

The first story that came to mind was a boy we shall call Jon. When we were 13 a big group of us would meet up at the cinema every Friday. Over the weeks everyone started pairing up, I had my eyes set on Jon. I thought he was beautiful and I had decided I was going to marry him and have his babies and live happily ever after. He hadn’t spoken to me much but that was fine, I was patient. Until one day, he asked to sit next to me, my whole body started shaking I thought I was going to die I was so excited and nervous. Halfway through the film He held my hand and where I was so over come with hormones and shock I threw up all over him!!! I ran out of the cinema crying and I have never been so mortified in all my life!!! 

Story number two – peeping tom 

This next story also make my friend and I look crazy, I think I was about 12/13 and my best friend lived opposite a beautiful teenage boy. We both had a huge crush on him so decided we would both marry him and take turns having his babies. He had a huge bedroom window on the side of his house and if we stood on a certain place on the path we could see in. (So fucking creepy.) Every morning I’d walk to her house and we’d walk to school together. But first we would (I’m crying with embarrassment typing this) stare up at his bedroom window watching him get ready for school. I realise this probably is some for of sexual harassment, but I want to say we never saw him get undressed or anything like that we just watched him walk around his room getting ready. One morning he noticed us watching, and slowly backed out of his room. The next day we went back to our watching spot and he had blinds up!!! That poor boy must of been so freaked out and I couldn’t blame him!!! 

Story number three – he shall be mine, a tale of determination 

Before I settled down with the love of my life, if there was a boy I liked I had to have him. I would get my target in sight and make that shit happen! I was really confident with boys, I knew what I wanted and would go to great lengths to get what I wanted.

 I would of been 15/16 when I was walking him rather tipsy from a party one night, I could see a boy heading towards me on his bike. As he got closer I realised he was looking down so I shouted “watch out” and he swerved falling off his bike. When he looked up at me and our eyes met, I could hear angels singing and that crazy undiagnosed bipolar voice in my head said “that’s your next boyfriend!! Congratulations!” He quickly apologised and told me his name was … let’s call him Jimmy Smith. I told him my name, we had a quick chat and off he went.

Back in those days there wasn’t social media to find people on, you had to do it the good old fashioned way, by asking around and stalking!! I knew roughly where he lived as he told me he was nearly home, so I asked around my friends who lived up that way to see if anyone knew him. I was in luck, I found out he worked in a super market in the town at the weekends. So clearly my next creepy step was to try and “surprise” him at work.

I remember the first weekend I tried to stalk him I didn’t see him. But the weekend after that I “bumped” into him, I remember saying “oh my god hi what are you doing here? What a small world!” Looking back it was very clear it wasn’t an accident as I was smiling like a bloody clown and had asked half the town who he was so he must of heard. We had a chat and when he was about to walk off he casually asked for my number. GOAAAAAAL!!!! After that we were together for 6 months before I broke up with him for ironically being clingy.

Have you done crazy things to boys/girls when you were a teen?! I’d love to hear your antics in the comments below! Seriously, tell me your so I’ll feel less embarrassed. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old