Skinny envy

I don’t want my blog to be me moaning about being fat all the time. But I write whatever I feel like on the day, although i cover an eclectic range of topics, sometimes a certain topic is on my mind more than others. And this week it’s fat. I would also like to say I am actually doing something about my weight so I feel I can moan, as I’m being proactive in changing.

As I’ve gotten older I’m really good at not getting ‘skinny envy’ when I was younger it was quite bad. If someone was too pretty or too body perfect I’d be funny with them and find reasons not to like them. This is hard to admit as I’m nothing like that today. What is ironic, is looking back I WAS one of those pretty, thin girls I just didn’t see it at the time.

I used to find others girls threatening in every way, i was so insecure it ruled my life. I thought all my friends were prettier than me and that I was always the ugly fat one. This was far from the truth but being a teenager does crazy things to your brain.

I don’t look at slim people now and pick holes in them, they’re just people. For all I know they could of been my size and worked their arse off to get that body. They might not of eaten sugar or carbs for 10 years, they might have an illness, what I’m getting at is you never know someone’s story. I don’t judge people for being fat so why would I judge someone for being slim?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and just because I think someone is beautiful, it doesn’t take away anyone else’s beauty, not all beautiful people are threatening. Beauty is also more than skin deep, and just because they’re attractive it doesn’t mean they’re a good person.

As I got older I realised that right now I’m not conventionally ‘good looking’ but I’m still beautiful inside which in turn makes me more attractive. I hope this is making sense!

There’s times I still feel super self conscious and I want to ground to swallow me up, when I can feel eyes staring at my belly or my arms. Or staring at how much room I’m taking up on a bench, but I’m learning to breath through it and keep myself together. 

I don’t look at every thin person and think ‘I hate her I wish I looked like that.’ Because I really don’t. I might look at someone and think ‘I love her dress/shorts/top I wish I could wear that, or I wish my bum/back/arms/tummy/legs looked like that’. But it’s not bitchy envy, it’s more me feeling a bit sad for myself. 

From time to time, I will see someone that reminds me of the old me. That is what really gets to me. It makes me think ‘what if.’

What if…after starting my anti psychotics and my weight started exploding I stopped taking them and tried another medication?

What if….I made more of an effort to counteract the weight gain before it got to this point?

What if….after gaining the weight THEN falling pregnant again I tried harder not to gain anymore?

What if….the second I had my baby I really tried to loose it all before it got comfy on my body?

What if…. I looked how that girl does right now? How different would my life be? How different would I feel? How many opportunities would I of taken? 

Life is full of what ifs, and I can not STAND thinking so negativity . I HATE feeling sorry for myself. I’m so much stronger than that but sometimes it’s like I fall into little puddles of it.

Those are my thoughts from today, I’d love to hear in the comments how you feel about this subject. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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What shall I do with my medication? 

The past few months I have been up and down like a yoyo, worse than I have been since starting my meds over 5 years ago. 

When blips are happening I’m struggling before giving in and take between 75mg and 150mg of quetiapine in the morning for a while. I take 300mg every night religiously. I am used to the tieredness of taking 300mg every night, it feels normal now. But taking one in the morning really fucks up my day as I find it harder to function. 

Usually when I take the morning tab for a few days I level out, stop taking it, and am good and back to ‘normal.’ But lately it’s not been happening like that. The bad stuff keeps coming back?

I have a crazy busy life with my own business and my kids I can’t be doped off my face all day I don’t know what to do. 

I’m thinking of trying taking more at night and see if that helps? I really don’t want to go to the doctors as to be honest it would be really hard making time for that right now. But then could they give me something else to take along side the quetiapine for when I’m bad that maybe doesn’t knock me out as much?! 

Is the medication loosing its affect after being on it so long?

Just wondering what your all doing and if you have any ideas how to get me out of this hole?! 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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A walk and a play in the park makes everything better

I was moody as hell today, I woke up in an awful mood and really thought it wouldn’t get better. In the afternoon we decided to walk to a big park near us to let the kids have a play. 

I was dreading it, it was hot, I knew it would be busy and I just wanted to be alone. But you know what? It was just what I needed. 

I felt great walking and getting some exercise in. Sitting in the sun felt amazing on my skin and lightened my mood. Watching my kiddies ride around on their bikes and having fun was the icing on the cake. We were there for two hours and it was the best two hours I’ve had in ages. 

Who needs an extra 150mg of quetiapine when you can go to the park? 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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Being scared at night time 

I used to have huge issues with sleeping. I didn’t sleep through the night until I was 4, and even then it was a rare thing. One of my main memories as a young child was lying awake all night petrified there was someone under my bed or that my china dolls were secretly alive and going to kill me. So scared that I couldn’t move, scream or do anything. My dad worked away a lot so I would sneak into bed with my mum, but when he was home I had to stay in my own bed and it would start all over again. 
As a teen I’d get 2-3 hours a night for weeks on end, still lying awake all night scared. I really thought it was something I would grow out of. But even when I moved in with my boyfriend, I was 19 and pregnant, It was still happening. I’d dose off cuddled up and safe but wake up feeling alone. If he was out during the night I would stay awake with all the lights on waiting. 
I would be scared that someone was breaking in, that I was going to be possessed, that I was possessed and didn’t know, that a demon was right next to my face, that something was hiding in the dark waiting to take me, that a dead girl would crawl towards me under my quilt…. the list honestly could go on and on. Too scared to physically move or do anything, I would hold in a wee lying awake too scared to even leave the bed.
It took take me all night to fall asleep but the second I was awake that was it, even after a 12 hour drinking session I still couldn’t lie in or sleep. I used to drive my friends crazy, waking them up at 6 in the morning after getting in at 4 to get up and do something. Anything to not make it night time again.
Even after the birth of my daughter I didn’t sleep for just over 3 days, I was petrified something would happen to her in the night and that she would need me. I was so tiered I cried all the time but couldn’t sleep.
This went on until I was diagnosed in my mid 20’s and I went on anti psychotics. I never thought my night issues would ever go away, but they did. My tablets work like a seductive so I finally started sleeping. The night fear disappeared into a memory. 
We watch a lot of scary films now, and I feel immune to the fear factor. I know they’re just films. If a film occasionally freaks me out I just won’t watch it again and I can shake of that creepy feeling in a few days and it doesn’t affect my sleep. I love anything with zombies in!
But lately I saw a film I’ve not been able to shake off. It is called “lights out” it’s about the evil spirit of a woman attached to an alive mental ill woman. The evil woman can only be seen in the dark. It really is a scary film. The first few nights after watching it my night fear came back, not as bad as before but I had forgotten how horrible it felt and it reminded me of how I felt before my medication. I think the film got to me so much as it was intertwined with mental illness. The evil woman was only there when the alive woman was ill as she was mentally more weak. Getting the chills thinking about it!
Did you experience any of the nighttime issues I did? Have you seen the film ‘lights out?’ I’d love to hear in the comments below.
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Anxiety overload-work, haircuts, politics…I’m done

I hate the word anxiety, but it really is the only way to describe how I’m feeling. I have no idea why but the past few days my anxiety has been out of control and I’m struggling sleeping, even after my meds which usually knock me out. Before I was medicated for bipolar I constantly felt anxious, nervous, guilty and on edge. The medication has hugely helped but it’s still lurking under the surface. 

There’s certain things in life that tip my nerves over the edge and today has been full of them. 

I had a tonne of work to fit in and knew it’s was going to be a rushy day, this makes me nervous as I have to pick the kids up after school and I worry I won’t have gotten through all my clients in time. 

I also had to squish a food shop in which doesn’t sound too stressful but today it felt like the world was on my shoulders. 

My friend was meant to be cutting my little boys hair but he is PETRIFIED of hair cuts and sometimes he’s so hysterical the hair cut doesn’t happen. That also happened today which means another trip to the hairdressers which I’m already fucking dreading.

Last minute trip to the mother in laws while they debabted politics rather loudly for over two hours.

I’ve felt cold all day.

Political stuff is everywhere due to the election. My other half is obsessed and gets so heated about it all, I love that he’s passionate but it’s draining at times if I’m honest. It’s also a scary time as no one knows what is to come for the future of our country.

As much as I love my other half he has a right temper, it doesn’t come out very often but he’s in that inbetween mood where everything I say and do is wrong and he’s really snappy. This massively puts me on edge as I can’t stand the shouting and rowing I just don’t have the energy right now so I’m desperately struggling to keep the peace. I don’t know what’s wrong with him at the moment he’s so wound up. More than likely due to more political bullshit. 

I’ve been shaking with nerves on and off all day it’s horrible.

That’s the end of my depressing boring post, sorry it’s not been much fun today. Hopefully I’ll have something witty and comical tomorrow. 

How’s you day been? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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Bipolar, medication and pregnancy (the things no one talks about)

This is a rather taboo subject, so me being me I’ve decided to talk about it. When I was going through all of this I couldn’t find much online so maybe someone going through the same thing will stumble across this one day. 

I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until I was 24 years old. I had already had our first child. After being diagnosed I was on 500mg of quetiepine, this was a shock to the system to say the least. I will be writing more in depth about this another time. 

A few months after settling in to the anti psychotic lifestyle, we found out I was 6 weeks pregnant with baby number two, which we were happy about. But it did leave the big question of what happens to my medication? 

I was told by my doctor I had to come off my medication for the first 3 months of pregnancy, then we would decided what was more risky, me being on or off the medication. Like an idiot I didn’t take the advise of weening myself off them, I just stopped taking them.

This was a stupid move.

I can not tell you how physically sick it made me, I had the shakes, I was throwing up it really was horrendous. After the initial withdrawal happened I become very mentally ill. I had forgotten how horrible it felt unmedicated and it hit me 10 times harder than ever before. I constantly felt nervous worried and guilty, I was so over whelmed with emotion if I wasn’t crying I was throwing up. So on top of pregnancy hormones I was loosing my mind. It was one of the worst few months of my life I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Trying to work and look after our daughter as well was really hard, I was a total mess. 

During this time I was being closely watched by my doctors, they saw the rapid decline and decided at the 3 month mark I was at a huge risk to myself and I needed to go back on the medication. There was no study’s to show if it would effect the baby or not and it was a very difficult decision for us to make as there were unknown risks.

Being honest I was desperate to go back on my pills, I wanted to feel well again and I couldn’t live another day, let alone 6 months being that ill. But then there was the risk of the baby? What if the medication did damage? What if I was going to ruin its poor little life by being selfish and medicating? Because that is just how I felt, selfish and like a disgusting human being for even thinking about going back on the medication while a child was inside me. 

But that is what I did. The doctors strongly advised it and I had had enough. We had tonnes of checkups through the pregnancy and everything was normal, but the guilt and worry I felt will stay with me for the rest of my life. Even now talking about it makes me so uncomfortable because it stirs those feeling up. 
Every doctor I spoke to during that time told me not to feel guilty and that I was doing the right thing, but I felt awful about it. I found forums online of girls saying “I’m taking 50mg I’m so worried” whereas I was on 500mg, I couldn’t find anyone else in my position on such a high dose. This made me feel so alone. 

6 months later, we were blessed by a beautiful healthy baby boy and couldn’t of been happier. We were so lucky everything worked out, but even now I think what if it didn’t? But you can’t live your life thinking “what if” and you have to do what’s best for you. 

After having my first daughter I was severely post natal for about 2 years, so the risk of it happeneing again was high. But because I was on my medication already, after the birth of our boy, I was mentally well, which meant I could be a better mum to my children and I was coping. My dose was upped when I felt it creeping up a few weeks later and it held the crazy at bay. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t see what it is at the time. 

Are you going through something like this or have you had a similar experience? I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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Oh dear I double dosed by accident …

I take 300mg or 350mg of quetiapine (which is an antipsychotic) at night just before I go to sleep. I never forget as without it I don’t sleep and feel super sick the next day. 

However last night I couldn’t for the life of me remember if I’d taken it or not. I tried falling asleep but all I could think about is how ill I would feel the next day if I hadent taken it. So I took another one. 

Usually it kicks in pretty quick, making me feel dizzy and sick, hence why I take it just before I go to sleep. I thought if I had taken two lots it would knock me out, no such luck. I pretty much had a 3 hour tripping sessions,the space in my head when my eyes were shut turned into the size of our universe with every thought and feeling I’ve ever had crashing about, I was freaking out.

I started panicking there was a ghost in the room which made my whole body feel dark so I started thinking about by kids which made it go bright again. It was sooooo fucking weird. I had to write it down this morning, as like a bad dream I knew I would forget. 

I ended up sleeping in 2.5 hours longer than planned this morning and how feel doped up, dizzy and slow. I can not stand feeling like this. I’m downing coffee hoping it passes soon as I have so much to do today. 

I’m so annoyed at myself I’m normally so good. Have you ever accidentally taken too much of your medication?! I’d love to hear your stories in the comments below.

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old