I literally wet myself in the car 

This is a rather shockingly embarrassing story, it’s also quite gross but as this blog is totally anonymous I thought why not share!!

This particular morning I had just dropped my kids off with my mum for the night and was about to head over to help a customer with something.  I would like to point out that I was trying to flush out my system and had drank 2 litres of water, as well as two coffees, before 9 o clock in the morning. This was my first mistake.

As my mum lives about half an hour away we met half way, by the time we finished chatting I needed a wee pretty bad. Mistake number two, instead of using the toilet a 3 min walk away from my car I chose the lazy route of holding it in until I got to my next destination.

So I’m bombing it down the motor way when it occurs to me I have a half hour drive ahead of me. I actually drove pretty near my house on the way, but mistake number three, I decided to keep holding on and drive past. Eugh, I’m an idiot!!!

About 10 minutes away from my destination I have never needed a wee so badly in my life, I’m jumping up and down in my seat trying desperately to hold it in. I’m sweaty, I’m dizzy, I’m in full on panic mode. I also realise that I am that desperate for a wee even if I found a toilet or a bush (yes I was that desperate I was prepaired to piss in public at 9.20 in the morning) I wouldn’t be able to move without leaking. I make the disgusting and shameful decision that when I reach my customers house I’ll drive to the bottom of her long private drive, roll out of the car and piss on the ground. I realise this is sick as fuck but at that point in time I’m not joking by saying it was my only option. I only bought my giant family wagon a few months ago and was not prepaired to ruin the seats just yet.

Every red light was Torture, every car in my way was driven by the devil, I was on the ultimate mission, I HAD to urinate on my customers driveway with out being caught but I was confidant I could pull this off. I was soooooo fucking wrong, soooo wrong. As I pull into my customers road I START PISSING MYSELF, I feel like I’m still holding it in but nope I was 100% weeing on my new car seat. This wasn’t just any wee, this was the biggest and longest wee of my life, I was in so much shock I rolled to a stop. Cars behind me were tooting but I physically couldn’t move. And the wee kept coming, cars were driving round me, some guy shouted dickhead out the window. But I was in a world of my own. I genuinely have no idea how long I sat there, in shock, staring at the road. But it was long enough for my customer to come out of her house and knock on my window to ask if I was going to sit there all day or come inside. Like a zombie I look her straight in the eyes and said ‘I have to go’ and just drive off. So professional I know.

When I arrived home before I leapt  dripping, out of the car, I had to see if anyone was around. It appeared I had picked the one day half my neibours were out and not one, but two people were having there driveways done and there were builders everywhere! So I made my rain coat into a skirt and waddled inside, yes I got stares but I moved fast. It was then I realised how soaked I was, the wee had spread pretty much to the entirety of my leggings, as well as my socks. After changing and trying to wash the shame away I had to tackle the mess in the car.

With my kitchen roll, anti bac spray, bin bags and tea towels in hand I went back out, and to my horror there was not a tiny little wet patch, the whole seat was fucking soaking!!! It in fact was drenched. After trying to clear up as best I could (getting weird looks as I do so) I drive back to my customers house in a different outfit, one hour late sitting on about 12 tea towels and a black bag with my car stinking of piss. I then had to lie about where I had been saying I forgot my phone. Humiliating!!! Needless to say I’ve taken it down a notch with the water drinking and thank god it’s not happened again. Probably due to my permanent dehydration and fear of it happening again. I may of had two kids but 30 is too young for this kinda crap!!! Please tell me I’m not alone in this horror story?!

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Positive things I have learnt from being fat 

I recently wrote a blog on the main things I hate about being over weight, but it’s not all doom and gloom so I thought it was important to share some positive things I have learnt along the way too. 
1. I have realised how much my boyfriend loves me 

I started with this as it’s a big one, and a lot of these points will revolved around him as he has done more for my self confidence than I ever thought possible from another human being. When we first met I wasn’t super skinny by any means but I was curvy and cuddley and rocked it. I drank and partied way too much but was a gym bunny and did look after myself as best I could at the time. After having our first child I hit the gym hard and started running again, getting my toned body back and dropping some of the chunk I had required after being pregnant. I was young and super insecure about myself, even though I looked great on the outside, inside I don’t think I’ve ever felt more unattractive. I had a warped sense of reality and what I looked like. I took it a tad too far and started really restricting my food and pushing my body too far while exercising, running until my legs shook. I started to loose my curves and my facial features looked huge. Everyone around me was worried for my health but all I could think about was if I just lost more weight I’d start looking better. I realise this is utter bull shit but at the time it made sense to me. As time went on a few things happened causing my weight to spiral up, in about a year my weight had ballooned and I was unrecognisable. But the most shocking thing of all to me, was that he still loved me. I’m trying not to cry while typing this because daily I was waiting for him to leave me. He didn’t sign up to be with a big blob and I thought it was just a matter of time until he admitted I was disgusting and that he found me unattractive and left. But that day never came. Even when I was an emotional wreck after baby number two he was by my side every step of the way. We still had our issues and arguments like every normal couple but he never complained about my weight or made me feel anything less than fucking beautiful. In fact I feel our love has grown more as the years have gone on, weight regardless. 

2. I have realised I am still sexy 

We have always had a booming sex life, there may be quiet times but in general we are dirty little pervs for each other. And being big hasn’t changed this, in fact I think our sex life is better than ever. Before i truly excepted my weigh gain I was hiding my body away from my boyfriend because I was convinced if he fully saw me naked in the light I would never see his dick hard again. Until one day I realised that even though I wasn’t parading myself naked around the house he still knew what I felt like naked which also meant he knew what I looked like naked. AND HE STILL WANTED ME. On a daily basis he tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me, even when we are having sex he is showering me with compliments. Over time this really built my confidence up, which made me realise that being sexy isn’t about having the perfect body. It comes from within and knowing what to do with your body. Being genuinely confidant in bed is far more sexy than just looking the part. So now we take pretty much any opportunity to be naked!!! Theres always some form of light on while we’re doing the dirty, after being so shy and in the dark this was quite liberating. I do get moments of shyness with our more adventurous endeavours, but I can honestly say it has nothing to do with my weight. 

3.  I have realised am beautiful regardless of my weight

The perfect body does not make you beautiful, who you are is what makes you beautiful. When I was younger and I heard people saying that I thought ‘what a load of shit’ but it really is true. You can be the most beautiful perfect looking goddess, but if your cold nasty and selfish over time you will appear uglier and uglier. And of course it’s true the other way round too. 

4. I am kinder to people

I’m not saying I was ever overly nasty to people but I’m a lot more aware of others feelings. I mentioned in my Annoying things about being fat post that I have been surprised at how many dirty looks I get now I’m really over weight. So now I will go out of my way to make someone who looks uncomfy or self-conscious feel good. I might just smile warmly at them or if the timing is right compliment their hair or dress etc. I love seeing their face light up, and I can understand why they do. After having negative states all day it just takes one person to be nice to me to make me feel good again, like I’m human. 

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Not biting at the bull shit-so proud!! 

I want to start by saying does the way biting is spelt look wrong to you?! I have checked many times and it is 100% accurate! By now I really should be able to spell that word at my age without checking but hey ho the English language is a mystery. 

Anyway on to the point of this blog, I can finally, whole heartily, with every inch of my soul say I have stopped biting at bullshit. It has taken nearly 30 years but I am here! To give a quick explanation of what I mean, I will use a slightly ridiculous hypothetical (can spell that without spell check!) story. 

Sally is at a work conference about pencils, it’s two hours long with people she has never met and will never see again. A random guy says ‘I can buy black pencils for 5p each from the main supplier, I get so many great deals because I’m fantastic’ Sally knows the supplier he is taking about, the supplier doesn’t make black pencils nor would he sell them for less than 20p each. Every inch of her soul wants to call him out, screaming from the roof tops ‘your a liar and I’m gonna prove it!! She wants to tell him he’s full of shit and question him about the supplier not making black pencils and that there’s noway he would get that price. But sally thinks to herself, yes he’s a dick, and yes he’s lying but really who cares? I have nothing to prove and I’m never going to see these people again so she smiles and says ‘oh wow good for you’ and carries on with her day. End of story. 

A few days ago I was in a situation, kind of similar to Sally’s, the people around me were spouting crap like it was on tap. Lie after lie after exaduration after lie. A few years ago I could not of resisted bickering with these kind of moronic girls, not in an aggressive confrontational way more in a ‘your wrong and if I don’t let you know your wrong I’ll explode inside’ kind of way.  But I held my tongue the whole time, I didn’t say a word! I politely smiled and nodded and let them get on with it. I didn’t feel fusterated or angry at their foolishness, I quite simply didn’t care! So proud of myself for getting to this point in life. Of course to friends and family I slagged these girls off in a very repetitive manner until my heart was content but in the moment I really didn’t feel the need to get involved with their crap. 

Life 0 Me 1 

Boom!

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For the first time ever I wished I was normal 

Last night I had an internal emotional breakdown. Too many things went wrong in a small space of time which sent me plummeting down that big dark bipolar hole. The world was melting, I felt nothing but pure despair and my whole body hurt from emotional pain. I don’t usually write like this as I’m not a 14 year old emo girl and I tend to hide the intensity of my sadness but I really need to write this down as I don’t think I can talk out loud about it. 

I hid from my partner and our children in the bathroom and sobbed, I felt like I could of cried for ever there was an endless tear stream pouring down my face. I never want to worry anyone so I try and keep it to myself, which probably makes it worse. I find it embarrassing at my age I still have time where I feel like this, it’s how I felt as a teenager years before being diagnosed. I also realise it’s because of my bipolar and it can’t be helped, but when I was younger I used to tell myself it was because of teenage hormones and that it would go away.  But it really haven’t, medication has died it down but it still comes back.

For the first time ever last night I prayed that I could be normal. To who ever was listening out there in the vast void of the world I prayed with all my heart. I’ve never done that before, even when I’ve been seriously ill I’ve never wished to be normal. Bipolar makes me ME and yes there are ups and downs but as a grown up I have excepted who I am and I love that person. But last night I just had enough of the emotional roller coaster, and wished I could just have one day of feeling like a normal human being. I’ve taken extra medication today so I’m hoping to get a grip soon, until then I just have to wait and try and keep myself busy.

I hope your all doing well and have a wonderful day 

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Mid life crisis strikes early?!?! 

At what age are you a grown up? 18? 21? When I look back to being that age I realise I was still a adolescent with a lot to learn, I was pregnant with my first child at 19 so I had to grow up fast. But I still had no idea what I was doing. In a few months time I’ll be turning 30 and I still don’t know what I’m doing!!! This is the first birthday ever I’m freaking out about. Because there is noway, at 30, you can tell yourself your not a grown up.  And although I have achieved many things I wanted to achieve, I’m nowhere near where I want to be and that is a scary thought. I’ve got so many things I feel blessed for; my children, my boyfriend who I’ve been with since I was 19, my own business, my family and my friends.

But lately I’ve been thinking about all the things I haven’t gotten to do, I want to travel the world and see everything I can, I want to buy a house, I want to marry the love of my life (I can’t stand calling him my boyfriend it’s ridiculous!!), I want to be successful and not have to worry about money so much, I want to get to a healthy weight and stay there. There’s a lot I want to achieve and in the past it had never crossed my mind that it might not happen, but……..what if it doesn’t? What if I’m lying on my death bed (morbid as fuck I know) unmarried, fat, homeless, having never seen the beauty of the world?!?! What if I’m wasting my life just going through the motions?!?! Is this panic normal?! Does everyone feel like this? I’m petrified of dying unhappy. I realised I’m only turning 30, it’s not like I’m turning 80, but it’s still a worry lol.

I have decided the only thing that’s going to shape my future is me, so first I’m tackling our finances. Right now money is an issue so that’s what I’m going to try and fix first. I won’t go into details as it’s rather personal but I’m on a mission not to die feeling like my life was half lived and this is where I’m choosing to start!!

Sorry this is rather depressing and there is no final conclusion to brighten your day, I just needed to get this out there to cleanse my soul!! 

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I have bipolar 

I have bipolar, but not that many people in my life know. I was officially diagnosed 5 years ago but I think in my heart I already knew and had known for a long time. My behaviour had always been the same, there was no ‘big change’ that triggered it, it’s just who I have always been. I don’t tell many people as I really don’t want a mental health ‘issue’ to define me, because I am far more than ‘that girl who’s got bipolar.’

Another reason I keep it to myself is that I have my own business which involves working with different people on a daily basis. I would hate my bipolar to influence their decision whether to work with me or not, as being my own boss was one of the most self motivating things I’ve ever done and I am damn good at my job. My bipolar luckily doesn’t affect my work capabilities, being self employed I have a huge drive to succeed and as I love what I do even when I’m down or manic I’m still happy to work. It’s sad that the world still has such prejudice against mental health, but let’s be honest it does and I can’t have that stopping my earning potential. Some of my closest customers I have worked with for years are aware and have been nothing but supportive, but I think as they got to know me first it’s slightly different to learning about the bipolar straight away. 

I have had a mixed reactions over the years from the people I have decided to open up to about it. The people that have known me since my teens weren’t remotely surprised, truth be told, I was a bit of a mess growing up. By mess I mean a totally train wreck. Now I am medicated and seem fairly normal to the outside world I can get a reaction of surprise from time to time. More than once I have been told ‘oh I just thought you were a bit crazy I didn’t realise you actually had something wrong with you!’ That always makes me laugh. There is one reaction I have had multiple times that annoys the crap out of me is when people say ‘I know how you feel I’ve had depression’ or ‘my friend was on anti depressants once and she’s fine now’ comments like this make me want to SCREAM. There is so much more to bipolar than depression and anti psychotics and mood stabilisers are not the same as anti depressants!!! I’m not taking away from anyone who suffers with depression but you can’t really compare the two as they are totally different. 

The thing with bipolar is no matter how much therapy you have, or how well medicated you are it never goes away. It lurks in the back ground waiting to fuck it all up for you. It’s part of your brain chemistry and quite simply a part of you forever. Since being medicated I feel like a different person, I never thought I could have such a ‘normal’ life and I feel so blessed that I actually went to get professional help and get diagnosed. Those are words I never thought I’d say. But from time to time the world around me will start melting again and I feel like I’m drowning in a big black hole of despair (I realise how emo that sounds lol) . Right now it’s all about me recognising the signs that I’m doing down hill and to up my medication before the crazy really takes hold. The past 6 months I have been so up and down it’s draining, and not just on me, but everyone close to me too. Which makes me feel guilty, and a bit of a burden. 

Having my children and boyfriend really helps motivate me to be the best I can be and to keep taking my tablets and to keep sane. Before them I had no real reason to even try to get better, I was either so down I wanted to die or so high that I felt like I was in a musical, literally! I am so proud of how far I’ve come, I’ve got lots of life challenges to handle in the future but with determination I know I’ll get there one day at a time. 

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Weird woman and personal space?!

Bit of a ramble here, but why are some people not aware of personal space? Seriously?! I’m quite a cuddley friendly person if I know you but I do have my limits with strangers in shops. Doing my weekly food shop today I came across a very odd woman, I was waiting in line to pay for my shopping and I could see said woman walking towards me. As she approached me I moved to the side thinking she was trying to get round me, as by this point we were literally touching. But she just stayed there. Just behind my right shoulder, hovering, breathing into my hair, just standing there. I turn around to see her face 6 inches from mine, I look at her, she looks at me… and smiles. I look away thinking surely she’s going to move but she just stands there. There was no one behind her forcing her to be that close to me, it was totally bizarre. I noticed she had a basket of shopping so at least she was queuing but why so close?!?!

 I would also like to say, just to set the scene, this woman would of been in her 50s, and incredibly normal looking. She wasn’t wrapped in tin foil screaming about aliens trying to read her mind, she was just your average female shopper. 

After a few minutes of this I really am that uncomfortable it’s making me itch, so I have to make the choice; do I move forward and try and escape or tell her to back the fuck up? As I really do like to shop in this establishment I decide plan A is probably my best option. I notice the queue has moved so I leap forward to put my shopping on the conveyer belt, once I’ve finished piling up my mince and chicken I take another big step forward. Thinking we all have lots of room now so there’s no need for my personal space to be invaded. But low and behold my arse magnet is back again RIGHT BEHIND MY FUCKING SHOULDER!!!! 

I just don’t understand why?! I also can’t put into words how agitated it was making me, I wanted at least 12 inches of clean air between myself and any other shopper or staff member in that shop. Is that too much to ask?! This was a rather pointless post but as you are slowly learning, I just love to share!!! 

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