Skinny envy


I don’t want my blog to be me moaning about being fat all the time. But I write whatever I feel like on the day, although i cover an eclectic range of topics, sometimes a certain topic is on my mind more than others. And this week it’s fat. I would also like to say I am actually doing something about my weight so I feel I can moan, as I’m being proactive in changing.

As I’ve gotten older I’m really good at not getting ‘skinny envy’ when I was younger it was quite bad. If someone was too pretty or too body perfect I’d be funny with them and find reasons not to like them. This is hard to admit as I’m nothing like that today. What is ironic, is looking back I WAS one of those pretty, thin girls I just didn’t see it at the time.

I used to find others girls threatening in every way, i was so insecure it ruled my life. I thought all my friends were prettier than me and that I was always the ugly fat one. This was far from the truth but being a teenager does crazy things to your brain.

I don’t look at slim people now and pick holes in them, they’re just people. For all I know they could of been my size and worked their arse off to get that body. They might not of eaten sugar or carbs for 10 years, they might have an illness, what I’m getting at is you never know someone’s story. I don’t judge people for being fat so why would I judge someone for being slim?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and just because I think someone is beautiful, it doesn’t take away anyone else’s beauty, not all beautiful people are threatening. Beauty is also more than skin deep, and just because they’re attractive it doesn’t mean they’re a good person.

As I got older I realised that right now I’m not conventionally ‘good looking’ but I’m still beautiful inside which in turn makes me more attractive. I hope this is making sense!

There’s times I still feel super self conscious and I want to ground to swallow me up, when I can feel eyes staring at my belly or my arms. Or staring at how much room I’m taking up on a bench, but I’m learning to breath through it and keep myself together. 

I don’t look at every thin person and think ‘I hate her I wish I looked like that.’ Because I really don’t. I might look at someone and think ‘I love her dress/shorts/top I wish I could wear that, or I wish my bum/back/arms/tummy/legs looked like that’. But it’s not bitchy envy, it’s more me feeling a bit sad for myself. 

From time to time, I will see someone that reminds me of the old me. That is what really gets to me. It makes me think ‘what if.’

What if…after starting my anti psychotics and my weight started exploding I stopped taking them and tried another medication?

What if….I made more of an effort to counteract the weight gain before it got to this point?

What if….after gaining the weight THEN falling pregnant again I tried harder not to gain anymore?

What if….the second I had my baby I really tried to loose it all before it got comfy on my body?

What if…. I looked how that girl does right now? How different would my life be? How different would I feel? How many opportunities would I of taken? 

Life is full of what ifs, and I can not STAND thinking so negativity . I HATE feeling sorry for myself. I’m so much stronger than that but sometimes it’s like I fall into little puddles of it.

Those are my thoughts from today, I’d love to hear in the comments how you feel about this subject. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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Annoying things about being fat when it’s hot


After the fantastic feedback of my Annoying things about being fat post I thought I would continue the series but go a little deeper, so today we shall be talking about being fat in the heat. As this is a whole new ball game of problems. I find writing about these things really inspire me to keep going with my weigh loss, as well as entertain you lovely people.

Getting my arms out

It has only been a year or so that I have liberated my arms and set them free. Since my weight gain they have been firmly covered up. No matter how hot it got or how sweaty and uncomfortable I was I would NEVER EVER get my arms out. My big jiggly wings were not for the publics entertainment and I couldn’t stand looking at them. Even when I was smaller I felt this way I think it’s an issue a LOT of women can relate to. But now I’ve set them free it has made my life tonnes easier in the heat. I just say to myself they won’t look like this forever, I’m trying my hardest to work on my body and since starting swimming I have noticed a difference! 

Getting my legs out

Unless I am in the privacy of my own home my legs do not see sunlight. I live in dresses and leggings and if I’m that hot I think I’m going to pass out I might roll them up over my ankles. I love wearing little shorts at home feeling all cute and what not but I just could not get them out in public it would be far too humiliating! I’ve recently be brave enough to expose the leg beneath my knee (that makes me sound like an 80 year old woman lol) but I’ll be honest I felt naked all day and was worried my dress would blow up exposing my thunder thighs!! I’m still making myself do it though as I need to get over this fear as really the only person who cares is me.

Chaffing central

Ahhhh this is a biggie, the thigh chaffing situation is very unpleasant. If I know I’m going to be walking more than 10 steps I need something to protect my thighs from starting a fire. If I’m wearing a maxi dress which I would die from overheating if I had leggings on too (which I did wear for several years under maxi dresses!) I found myself some long black shorts, imagine leggings but cut off above the knee. They are the least sexy thing I own the look ridiculous, my other half always takes the piss, but they do the job beautifully and no one sees them but me!

A pool of sweat is following me around

Have you ever heard the phrase when it rains it pours?! I don’t think the saying was intended to mean sweat but were using it in that context today! Holy shit I’m getting sweaty, embarrassingly sweaty, and not just in the usual places. It’s seeping out of every pore in my body drenching me head to toe is seconds. I’ll walk up to school thinking wow I’m not as sweaty as I thought I would be,until I stop, then comes the rain sweat. My water bill is going to be huge this month  the amount of showers I’ve been having!

The dreaded sun cream

Sun cream is soooo important and after having a cancerous mole with cancerous cells around it (I’ll write about that soon too) I have to be really careful. But I fucking hate it!!’ No matter what cream I buy I feel greasy and slimy, it also mixes in with the sweat which is just disgusting. Not to mention it’s expensive!!! Between me and the kids we’re going through more suncream than…..well a lot of suncream. I have also just realised this point has nothing to do with being fat!! I went off on a tangent there but it’s still something I hate about the heat. 

I’d love to hear in the comments below what you hate about the heat, no matter what your size!

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**LOW SYN ICECREAM ALERT**


I made a discovery today!!! This is going to be bigger than finding out the world is round!!! I just had to share it with you all!!!

In Tesco I noticed they were selling Oreo peanut butter ice cream cookie sandwiches, my heart sank as I love Oreos, ice cream and peanut butter. To tease myself I picked up the packet, I then noticed the calories per ICECREAM… I worked it out in my head… 

6 SYNS!!!!!! 

Only 6 syns!!!!!!!

That was it, they went straight in my trolley as I went skipping to the tills. 

When I got home I opened the packet straight away, they’re not the biggest ice creams in the world but they taste gorgeous! Two big biscuity Oreos with cream peanut butter ICECREAM. 

Worth every single syn! It felt like a huge treat and what’s even better is that no one in my house likes peanut butter so they’re mine all mine!!! 

Mwahaha!!!

What low syn ice creams do you enjoy?! I’d love to hear in the comments below!

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Resisting eating crap, it was worth it and my BIGGEST tip on saying NO (Still on track!)

Well well well a few days later and I’m still ruling  healthy eating!!! I’ve not even been that tempted to stray, I’m feeling so much better physically and mentally I don’t want to fuck it up now. 

After having a few months binging I didn’t want to know the damage I had done, so instead of weighing and beating myself up. 

I simply started again. 

Before I went off track this time I was 9 pounds off a 3 stone weightloss. So in my mind, as long as I was at that weight I had counteracted the damage I had done by eating nothing but crap. 

Today I weighed myself to see how I was getting on, I was tickled pink to see I am 3.5 pounds off a 3 stone weight loss!!!! 

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

Seeing the numbers fall is more addictive than drugs, it makes me keep going and makes everytime I say no to something naughty worth while. 

This morning I was at a cafe with my kiddies. In the queue to get them a drink and a snack my brain went through this process:

Those giant fruit and nut flap jacks look good shall I get one?…. no no far too many syns…. then again that could be my treat for the day?… no no you’ll regret it later when you want a vodka and a Curley whirly…those ham and cheese paninis look good… no no your having a brown pitta bread with dinner don’t have more bread…. hmmmm but they do look really good…. what about crisps you could get quavers…£1 a bag? Yeah I don’t want them that much…. what about the hummus crisps?… holy shit 9 syns a bag maybe not….. fuck it I’ll just get a drink.

Then I sat there, sipping my oasis zero, proud and feeling like I just lost another 0.5 of a pound by saying NO.

I wish I could remember where I learnt my biggest and best tip for saying no, as when I feel myself needing a boost to keep me motivated I’ll do this for a few days and it massively helps remind me of how far I’ve come. It’s quite simple;

Get yourself a notebook and pen, throughout the day every single time to resist something naughty, write it down. 

For example, if when you buy your morning coffee your offered a muffin half price with the coffee and you say NO, write it down. 

If at work someone offered you a slice of cake or a biscuit with your tea and you say NO, write it down. 

If at lunch time you walk past McDonald and mentally argue with yourself about having it and end up saying NO, write it down. 

If at dinner time you toy with the idea of a takeaway but resist, wrote it down.

Then at the end of the day add up the syns you said no to, you will be amazed at what that number on the bottom of the page says. 

It’ll show you how far you have actually come at saying no and that every time you do, it’s weight that otherwise would be going on. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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Still on track and what’s keeping me going!! 


It’s day 7 and I’m still on track!!! I’m in the zone, nothing can stop me!!! I am a dieting god slaying one fat cell at a time with my sword of cucumber, yellow pepper and wholemeal wraps.

Already I can feel a difference and my friend and other half have noticed random patches of fat on my body start to go down. 

The sun is keeping me happy and reminding me of what I would love to be wearing in the summer right now!! 


Only 5.5 weeks until my birthday night away and only 7.5 weeks until our little family holiday! If I can stay on track till then I know I will feel fantastic. No where near at my goal but like I said before, that’s ok. As long as I try my hardest from now until then I’ll be happy. 


After work I’m going to do another healthy food shop and stock up on the things that keep me on track. Tomorrow after work I’ll be going swimming.

I’ve not given in to temptation and I feel amazing for it. When I go off track I feel so shitty but today is positive central and I’m so determined to do this.

I don’t want to be stick thin, I just want to be able to go into a normal shop, grab a dress in my size and it fit. 

I’m sick of always being the biggest one.

I’m sick of being sweaty all the time in this heat, improving my fitness is helping but I’m still walking tap. 

I’m sick of being scared of chairs.

All these things are propelling me and keeping me going!

What inspires you to stay on track? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

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The ‘perfect’ slimming world week


Ah the perfect week, food diary perfection. Each day was as healthy and ‘sticking to the rules’ as the next. There was no cheating, no over indulging and no binging. Our slimming world at its finest. When you step on those scales and see the results you know in your heart you did the very best that you could. No regret from eating a whole cake or not counting cheese as a syn for the hell of it, you just feel proud and like you have achieved.

When I first began I had many perfect weeks, but the last two months I’ve been mucking about and wasting time. 

This week shall be a perfect week. I’m on day 4 of my week, only 3 more days to do and I have made it! My weigh in day is Friday so I’m extending my perfect week until then. I didn’t weigh last week as I was a big baby and didn’t want to know the damage I had done.

I’m praying when I step on those scales on Friday I see a number I haven’t seen in a while. I’ve been floating between about half a stone for the past two months and I need to push through it to the other side!! 

I’m so close to my 3 stone off mark I need to stay on track and think of the bigger picture. 

I am confident 

I am determined 

I can fucking do this

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My Slimming world Syn essentials!! (Part one)


If I want a successful slimming world week there are a few syn’ed items I just have to have in my cupboards. These items stop me from going off track and are something to look forward too. I try and be syn free all day so I can have a munch in the evening, that way I don’t feel left out when my other half eats his weight in mars bars and malteasers!! 

Options Belgium choc mint hot chocolate

These are life savers in a packet! If after lunchtime I have a quiet afternoon, and all I want to do is binge on chocolate I’ll make myself a hot chocolate. They’re really sweet (even sweeter after adding two sweetness!) it takes me a while to drink and actually fills me up a bit. At 2 syns I think it’s well worth it, this leads on to my next essential…

Flumps

Flump marshmallow chopped into tiny pieces in the hot chocolate is GORGEOUS. It turns into a gooey stick sweet yummy mess. Flumps are 2 syns so with the hot choc its 4 but lasts way longer than anything else that has 4 syns so it’s worth it.

Curly whirly 

This isn’t something I would usual eat when I’m not dieting, but when I am it’s beautiful. I can’t believe they’re only 6 syns! I can really take my time eating them too and as they look big it tricks my mind that it’s a huge treat. 

Low fat mayo & low sugar and salt ketchup

Half the syns of the regular sauces these are a staple in my house. I used the mayo for my wrap at lunch and the ketchup for making BBQ pulled pork and dipping at dinner time. 

Panko bread crumbs

This is quite a random one but a good one. They’re light Japanese breadcrumbs. I use these to make my own low syn-high flavour breaded chicken. There are tonnes of recipes you can adapt using these breadcrumbs to lower the syns. I whiz mine up in a blender with loads of spices before dipping the chicken in egg then the bread crumb mixture. Even my fussy family like these so they are part of our weekly meal plan now!

Low fat sour cream

I bloody love sour cream I can eat it with literally anything. However it’s packed full of syns so I’ve started buying a low fat version. I’ll like it with fahijta wraps and over chilli, it’s lower syns that cheese and makes me feel like I’m not missing out. I also use it to make a peppercorn sauce with steak by putting a dollop in the pan, heating it up slowly and added ground pepper, makes my veggies taste better too.

I hope you enjoyed part one of my slimming world essentials, if you’d like to read part two please hit that follow button to stay notified! I’d love to hear in the comments below your favourite syn’d foods.

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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