Annoying things about other kids parties 

One of the bains of my existence is kids parties. Having two children myself I have been to my fair share, in fact I’m at one right now so I thought what would be better fitting that to rant about them?! 


The amount of money I spend on other kids birthday presents would cover the cost of Christmas, it’s ridiculous!! I never remember until last minute so it’s always big rush to find the right present, I refuse to spend a lot of money now so I’ll go for toys on offer or lots of bits from pound land. As the kids are getting older it’s getting harder to find things they would like for under a tenner as I will not spend a penny more.

Stupid times

Another thing that’s quite annoying is the times of these parties, they’re always smack bang in the middle of the day which means you can’t do anything else that day. 


This is by far the worst part of kids parties, the parents. I learnt first time round when my daughter started school not to get involved with other mums at school. It causes nothing but drama and fall outs and I can’t stand it. I have my few friends which I’m quite happy with and I don’t need any more. Now my daughter is at the age (9) that I don’t have to stay at the parties I can just drop her off it’s not so bad. But my son started full time school this year so the big fancy little kiddies parties have begun all over again. 

The mums in my sons class have started bickering and falling out and the school year isn’t even over yet, I’m staying well out of it. Every time one of these nutters tries talking to me they end up slagging off the mum sitting 2 foot away from me. Inside I’m dying I don’t want to be guilty through association so I try and get away as quick as possible. 

They’re all in their clicks and I happily sit on the outside as far away as I possibly can. But it’s not fun, it’s boring and lonely but I’d far prefer to feel like this than having fake awkward conversation with people I can’t stand. Don’t get me wrong I’m polite I just don’t wanna be involved! 


I’ve never gotten sucked into this but some parents see these parties as a huge competition of who can have the biggest best and most expensive party. After years of doing my own kids parties I know who charges what and can tell which parties cost stupid money. Which playhouse party is the most expensive and who they hired a bouncy castle from can really bump up the cost of a party. And don’t they love to tell you how much it all cost!! Which is not classy in the slightest. It also doesn’t help that after going to one of these over the top parties your kid then wants the same, “sorry little Jonny mummy can’t spend £500 on a party for 10 children, maybe next year?!”
I would LOVE to hear in the comments below what you hate about other kids parties?!

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Baby at the window-I have never been so scared in my entire life (not click bait)

Yesterday started like any normal day, school runs, work, doing the food shop… 

In the afternoon I got in my car and was about to leave my house when I heard one of my neighbors pull into the street, toot her horn and squeal to a stop. She jumped out of the car and started hammering on my next door neighbours from door like there was no tomorrow. 

My next door neighbour, we shall call her sally, is the same age as me and has two young children. She’s the sweetest woman who wouldn’t say boo to a fly, I couldn’t ask for a better neighbour she’s lovely. The neighbour that was knocking on her door, let’s call her Judy, is fierce to say the least, she’s can be very nice but you wouldn’t want to get in an argument with her if you can’t hold your own. We had a moment once and although I was shaking inside I stood my ground to prove I don’t take any shit. Sounds like kids in a playground I know but sometimes it has to be done! 

Any way, as Judy was banging on Sally’s door I thought what on earth has kicked off between them for her to be banging like that? I sat in the car thinking if it was going to be an argument I’d hang around to defend lovely sally if need be as I know she finds Judy very intimidating. 

After two more minutes of banging sally still hasn’t opened the door, being the nosy cow I am I let the car roll down our drive to get a better view of the drama, that is when I saw what was going on…

Lucy’s second story upstairs window was wide open and her one Year Old baby was standing on the window ledge hanging out the window. 

Here is a crudely drawn picture I did on my phone to give u a visual.

I started screaming “fuck omg shit fuck SALLY SALLY SALLY THE BABY!!!!” I leave the car running in the middle of the road, I open the door to get out and literally fall out the car trying to move as fast as I can, everything was in slow motion my whole body was shaking from head to toe it was petrifying. 

Judy was still banging on the door, I’m standing underneath the second story window where the baby was standing incase I had to catch her. I’m scrambling with my phone to ring sally the whole time SCREAMING at the top of my lungs “SALLY SALLY SALLLLYYYY THE BABIES ABOUT TO FALL OUT THE WINDOW SALLY” 

Me and Judy were frantic and still shaking more than I thought humanly possible I honestly have never been more scared in my entire life it was horrendous. 

After what felt like an eternity sally ran into the babies bedroom and grabbed the baby from the window. I start shouting up “omg sally are you ok come down so I can see your ok, sally?” I can hear her crying and guessed she was frozen with shock as even I was so shaken up my legs buckled beneath me and I thought I was going to be sick. Judy looked like she was going to faint too, I’ve never seen anyone shake as much as we were. Even writing about it now has started it up again. 

What if she would of slipped and I wouldn’t of caught her? Thank god judy noticed and raised the alarm, if I would of left I might not of noticed at all, the whole thing was a mess. 

I didn’t get to see sally until that evening, my poor friend was still crying, she was so upset and mortified about the whole thing she felt terrible. What had happened was the baby (who never had before) managed to climb out of her cot, climb over the changing mat onto the window sill!! 

Needless to say the babies room is being moved around and the window locked shut!

The outcome could of been devastating, it’s so hard not dwelling on that.

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Things I worried about being pregnant and what I would say to myself now

I have two children so I feel quite experienced in this subject matter. I remember the first time I was pregnant having so many worries, that got me thinking about what I would say to myself if I could. This blog post idea was then born! So here are some of the worries I had while being pregnant for the first time, and my response now.

What if I forget I have a baby and leave them in a shop?

I remember this haunting my dreams, what if I forgot my baby!! If I could go back I would say to myself, with pure hearted honesty, this WILL NOT happen. That baby will come first before anything you will never forget them. You might want to walk out of a shop after they’ve been crying for 3 hours in protest, but you will not forget your baby. 

What if the baby gets too hot or too cold?

I had a strange obsession that I wouldn’t know if my baby would be too hot or too cold and that I wouldn’t know. Quite random I know. I remember some advice my friend gave me, if your hot or cold the baby more and likely will be too, they’ll get red cheeks if they’re hot and they’ll feel cold to the touch if they’re cold. They will also more than likely cry to let you know if there’s something they’re not happy with. I would tell myself to listen to my friend as all of that was true! 

What if I have a mutant baby that even I can’t love?

This one is a rather taboo subject but I know for a fact that a lot of first time mums worry about this. What if my baby is hideous? My advice would be, even if that baby is green, covered head to toe in scales and has 10 eyes you will still think it is the most beautiful baby ever born. You’ll think the green scales and multiple eyes are just adorable and so cute. You might look at baby photos years later and think hmmm they actually looked a bit funny but I promise you when that babies first born you won’t!

What if I’m literally ripped in half pushing this baby out and I’m left with nothing but one giant hole you could fit a tree trunk in?

This is a very common worry with new mums, maybe not the tree trunk bit but that your ‘downstairs’ will be changed forever and will always be a giant flappy hole. I would say to myself, after laughing at the hysteria, that you will be amazed at how quick it will all snap back. One baby will not destroy your bits or your sex life. Even after two my lady garden is good to go, and my second baby was 10 pounds and I needed stitches front and back! 5 babies might do some damage but your fine with one or two!

Will I cope in labour?

This really is one thing I WISH I could go back in time and tell myself. I was petrified of the thought that this baby had to come out. Even my second pregnant I was terrified, but the first was definitely the biggest of worries as you have no idea what to expect. I was a total wimp at that point in my life, I was quite young and and would cry over a paper cut so I had no idea how I was going to cope with a human coming out of me. I would say to myself:

YOU WILL BE THE BOSS OF LABOUR!!!! The first labour will only be a couple of hours, you will be in agony, your head will be FUCKED as that little person slips out of you but you will do great! You’ll do the whole thing with no pain relief and no drugs and be so proud you could scream it from the roof tops. You won’t melt down, you won’t abuse the staff, you won’t freak out and die, you’ll get on with the job at hand and get that shit done. You will be that amazing in fact when you have your second child the midwife will joke she should of recorded you to show “what the perfect attitude to labour can be like” second time round you’ll be laughing and joking in between contractions and be so excited to meet your second little one. My advice to all new mums worrying about this….the second you see that baby you won’t care what you just had to go through. If I had to go through labour every day of my life to have my kiddies I would, they were worth every excruciating second and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I would love to hear in the comments below what your worries were, or if you pregnant now if you have any questions leave them in the comments below!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old 

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Annoying things about “perfect” Mums (rant)

We all know at least one “perfect” mum, the kind of mums you will spend your life waiting for them to fuck up. My children are my world but the mums I’m going to be talking about are like a different species. In this post I will be making some huge generalisations for the sake of comedy, but I think I’m pretty accurate with what I’ve come up with! I’ve wanted to write this for a long time and am so pleased I’ve gotten round to doing it, it’s going to feel like drinking a cold Diet Coke on a hot day, refreshing. 

The PTA Mums

God I hate these women. They are pristine, have full time ‘important and powerful’ jobs, they run the PTA, arrange every activity and fair at the school, they bake better than Michelin Star Chefs, they still have a social life and days out as a family, they go the gym and work with a local chairty weekly as well as running marathons and writing award winning novels. But I have figured out their deep dark secret of how they accomplish everything…, they shit time. Think about it, its the only logical thing that makes sense! They poop out a giant chunk of time and cheat at life, how else can one person achieve all that?!?! 

The healthy mums

These are the mums that live in sports gear. Their sleek high pony tail, yoga pants and Nike lycra crop tops. They’re the mums you see running home from the school run, before spending the morning in the gym. They’re the mums that won’t let their kids drink from certain plastic and at kids parties put down as a dietary requirement “no sugar, wheat, gluten, fat, meat, dairy or soy, hope this is not a problem?” 

The mums who can’t be away from their children 

(When my children were younger I did struggle being away from them. But I think when they get to a certain age it’s a lot different. Mine are (nearly) 5 and 9, and I am more than happy with having some ‘me time’. I love them to death and would do anything for them but let’s be honest, when they’re at school or nannys house it’s the best thing ever. I am with my kids 95% of the time outside of school and there is nothing wrong with needing a break!! )

The mum I am referring to is the one mum at the school gates that hysterically sobs at the school gates when her 8 and 10 year old are back at school after the summer holidays, instead of crying tears of relief. The mum that wishes they were only at school 3 days a week so she could be with them the other 4. The mum that gets a job at her kids school to “spend more time” with her children. The mum that turns up at the school gates half an hour early to pick them up. The mum that, when you joke about dumping your kids off at their grandparents, looks at you like your the devil in human form. That fucking mum that makes you look like an awful human being by reply to your joke with “well I actually love being with my children I cherish every second.” *insert puke here*

The ridiculously calm mums 

These are the mums that never loose their cool. You won’t find them shouting at their kids “hurry up we’re going to be late!” So loud that they can be heard two streets away. You won’t find them crying loosing their minds in the middle of Tescos while their toddler is lying on the floor having his 145th paddy that day. You won’t find them dragging their 3 children away from the toy isle screaming “I have no money I told you noooo!!” While carrying the younger two under her arms like rugby balls and pulling the oldest one away by their hair. These women are cool calm and collected at all times and it makes me sick. 

The presentable mums 

I find these women fascinating, how do they have time before 8.30 in the morning to get the kids fed and ready for school, curl their hair, put on a full face of makeup, chose an outfit worthy of a cat walk and wear heels to do the school run? I understand a bit more if they have to go to work afterwards but for the mums doing home to do nothing? Why? If I’m running late I will literally turn up with my hair unbrushed in a messy bun, a pyjama top with a rain coat over the top, leggings and flip flops. Then I have to stand next to someone who looks like they’re ready for a night out. It’s just depressing they need to stop. 

The overly prepared mum

This mum always had a giant Mary poppins bag with her, filled with everything you could ever need. Child fallen over? She has a Mini first aid kit with Paw Patrol plasters.  Sticky hands? She has wet wipes. Asthma attack? She has a spare pump. Kids hungry? She has spare snacks. Your child wets them selves? She has spare knickers. Cut your self on rusty metal? No worries over here have a tetanus jab! This mum is guaranteed to make you feel like the most unprepared, unorganised, amateur embarrassment of a mother. I even forget to bring tissues!  

I really hope you enjoyed this episode of “annoying things about…” I think that has been my favourite to write so far! I’d love to hear in the comments below if you can relate to any of these elite women or if your human like me!

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Annoying things about the school holidays (rant)

As much as I adore my kiddies the school holidays are always dreaded. Yes we don’t have to be up early for the school run, yes I don’t have to make packed lunches, and yes we get to go out and have some fun together…. but this does not mean it isn’t stressful!!!!


I’m lucky enough to be self employed and although I get to choose my own hours, I still have lots of worked booked in that has to be done. If I don’t work I’m not paid so it can’t be avoided. Trying to find people to have the kids is a nightmare, my mum does help out but as she’s not living so close anymore I can’t just drop them off for a couple of hours. If I can’t find anyone the poor monkeys have to stay at home with me, plugged in their iPads to stop the fighting!! 


The school holidays cost me a fortune to keep the kids entertained, we’ll have parks days and days with friends but spending money is unavoidable! Petrol, picnics, ice creams, snacks…blah blah! I always do one big day out somewhere fun per every week they’re off school, don’t get me wrong I love every second, until I realise I spent double what I was supposed to and I’m skint for the rest of the week and have to live off the scraps in the freezer. 


I swear my kids eat double in the holidays what they usually would!!! If I hear the words “muuuuuum I’m hungry” one more time I’m going to scream. I also tend to have a house full of other peoples children in the holidays too, I really do love a house full but a weeks worth of snacks will be gone in just one day! And 8 little voices moaning “I’m hungrrrrrry” was far worse then 2 little voices, but at least they keep each other entertained.


Depending on which school holidays it is, this subject varies. If it’s a short half term, so only a week long, boredom isn’t a huge issue as I can handle a week keeping them occupied. Even a two week holiday isn’t too bad. The worst is the summer holidays, 6 loooooong weeks to try and keep busy. Towards the end they are tiered, bored and ready to go back to school!! 

I miss being alone

Where is my quiet half an hour to write my blog posts or catch up on some telly with a coffee?! Not gonna happen!!!!

House sufers 

Oh my poor poor house, trying to get my house work done with the kids around is a nightmare. Everytime I try and put a toy away it’s “noooo I’m playing with that!!!” Within seconds of hoovering there’s crisp and busicuit crumbs all over the carpets. I clean the bathrooms and my four year old boy wee’s all over the seat. I’ll wipe the kitchen sides down just my my daughter can go make herself a sandwich, leaving half a loafs worth of crumbs behind. After having a house full of kids it’s unrecognisable! 


Out of all my points this is the one that I truly can’t stand. When the kids are getting along it makes my heart melt, they play the cutest games together and I think they’re finally becoming friends. Then in one swoop the arguing starts “ITS MY TURN ON THE TV!!!!” “HE TOOK MY TOY!!!” “SHE HIT MEEEEEE!!!!” “MUUUUUMMMMM!!!!” It echos round my head and makes me want to bloody scream!! They fight over the most petty of things I just don’t understand!!!

What do you hate about the school holidays?! I’d love to hear in the comments below! Please no comments saying “aw this is so mean I love time with my children!” You are clearly lying to yourself and it’s not funny! 😜

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Small victories with my four year old (special story)

My youngest is 4 years old, he will be 5 in July. He has a speech delay which has recently massively improved through daily speech therapy at school since being full time. When he was younger he had the therapy weekly but it didn’t make much of a difference. It’s only been the past few months strangers are starting to understand him, which is amazing and is making him a happy little boy. 

For a long time he got very upset and frustrated as I was the only one that could understand him. This broke my heart. He had the mind of a 4 Year Old but the speech of a 2 Year Old. It was extremely hard for him and I couldn’t be prouder of my lovely boy and how his speech is getting better everyday. What has also been amazing, is that in the beginning of the school year he was in the “slower pace” learning groups (they thought due to his speech he would struggle), after two terms he had worked his way up to the top groups in all areas of learning. I cried at home after finding this out as I was so worried his speech would hold him back. He’s so bright and I’m ecstatic he is able to express that now. 

However, we have had huge hurdles in other areas at home. Mainly in hygiene. Washing himself, washing his hair, water in general, teeth brushing, hair cutting, toe nail clipping, ear cleaning….all of these things he found petrifying. Some he still does, this has been just awful if I’m honest. With our eldest daughter none of these things have ever been an issue so it’s been even more tricky figuring out what to do to help him over come these fears. 

It has been my goal the past year to solve these issues, as all these things you have to do. I can’t not wash his bits or let him grow claws on his little feet. It’s taken lots of tiny baby steps and lot of tears, talking and bribing but we’re getting there. 

Last night I had to tackle the biggest issue…hair washing. Hair cutting is still a big issue but is tonnes better than what he was. He is due a hair cut, I tend to keep it as short as possible so it’s easier to give his head a quick scrub. But where we’ve been busy and his hair grows so fast it has gotten longish again. Where it’s been so hot and sweaty this week he hair was really starting to smell and I thought the time is now I can’t put it off any more.

I’ll be the first to say hair washing is the one thing I’ve not been consistent with, it makes me feel like a really bad parent but whenever I wash his hair no matter how i do it he is hysterical and I have to physically hold him in the bath. Which is so traumatising. I can’t put into words how horrible it is, it’s far more than just a few tears. I was doing it regularly hoping he would get used to it but it was making him truly scared of bath times. So I gave up for a while. But last night we turned a corner. 

I actually managed to wash his hair without tears!!!! He had a cry before we did it, I gave him lots of options how how to do it so he felt In control and for the first time it bloody worked. At first he refused, I then suggested why not just wash the back of his hair, which agreed to. On the condition I used a flannel not a cup of water to rinse and that I leant over the bath and cuddled his head so he could cuddle my arm. So this is what we did, and while constantly telling him what a big boy he was and how proud of him I was I gradually moved the flannel up until his whole head of hair was washed. I could of cried I was so relieved. I also kept telling him how lovely his hair smelt and his dad made a big fuss of him too. 

This might sound like a really small thing, but for my little man this was HUGE!! It’s all about the little victories and I’m so proud of him. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old 

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Annoying things about cooking dinners (rant)

I am sick to fucking death of trying to figure out what everyone wants for dinner!!!! Here are the things that drive me crazy, we’ve gone bullet point style today as there are so many!

  • I’m sick of food shopping and handing over my well earned cash week after week.
  • I’m sick of remembering to bring my shopping bags when I go shopping. 
  • I’m sick of putting the food shopping away.
  • I’m sick of forgetting one essential ingredient to every meal I have planned that week.
  • I’m sick of asking what people want for dinner, buying what they ask, then they don’t want it. 
  • I’m sick of being told “I don’t mind what we’re having for dinner cook what ever you want” then once dinner  is cooked they moaned that don’t want to eat it or don’t feel like that meal tonight. TOUGH SHIT YOUR EATING IT!
  • I’m sick hearing “this takes weird I’m not eating it” when it’s the same thing I’ve bought and cooked for years.
  • I’m sick of cooking everyone different dinners.
  • I’m sick of adapting a meal four different fucking ways so everyone will eat it. 
  • I have one child that won’t eat sauce or any other meat than chicken.
  • I have one child that won’t eat veg or meat full stop. 
  • My other half won’t eat maybe 80% of the worlds food choices. 
  • I’m sick of slaving away for hours on a meal when it takes less than 10 minutes to eat it. 
  • I’m sick of peeling and chopping veg. 
  • I’m sick of multi tasking while cooking e.g. Boiling, frying, oven cooking, making sauces, chopping meat and veg all the same time, its bloody draining!!

Ahhhhhhhhh tell me what you hate about dinners in the comments below!! 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old