Skinny envy


I don’t want my blog to be me moaning about being fat all the time. But I write whatever I feel like on the day, although i cover an eclectic range of topics, sometimes a certain topic is on my mind more than others. And this week it’s fat. I would also like to say I am actually doing something about my weight so I feel I can moan, as I’m being proactive in changing.

As I’ve gotten older I’m really good at not getting ‘skinny envy’ when I was younger it was quite bad. If someone was too pretty or too body perfect I’d be funny with them and find reasons not to like them. This is hard to admit as I’m nothing like that today. What is ironic, is looking back I WAS one of those pretty, thin girls I just didn’t see it at the time.

I used to find others girls threatening in every way, i was so insecure it ruled my life. I thought all my friends were prettier than me and that I was always the ugly fat one. This was far from the truth but being a teenager does crazy things to your brain.

I don’t look at slim people now and pick holes in them, they’re just people. For all I know they could of been my size and worked their arse off to get that body. They might not of eaten sugar or carbs for 10 years, they might have an illness, what I’m getting at is you never know someone’s story. I don’t judge people for being fat so why would I judge someone for being slim?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and just because I think someone is beautiful, it doesn’t take away anyone else’s beauty, not all beautiful people are threatening. Beauty is also more than skin deep, and just because they’re attractive it doesn’t mean they’re a good person.

As I got older I realised that right now I’m not conventionally ‘good looking’ but I’m still beautiful inside which in turn makes me more attractive. I hope this is making sense!

There’s times I still feel super self conscious and I want to ground to swallow me up, when I can feel eyes staring at my belly or my arms. Or staring at how much room I’m taking up on a bench, but I’m learning to breath through it and keep myself together. 

I don’t look at every thin person and think ‘I hate her I wish I looked like that.’ Because I really don’t. I might look at someone and think ‘I love her dress/shorts/top I wish I could wear that, or I wish my bum/back/arms/tummy/legs looked like that’. But it’s not bitchy envy, it’s more me feeling a bit sad for myself. 

From time to time, I will see someone that reminds me of the old me. That is what really gets to me. It makes me think ‘what if.’

What if…after starting my anti psychotics and my weight started exploding I stopped taking them and tried another medication?

What if….I made more of an effort to counteract the weight gain before it got to this point?

What if….after gaining the weight THEN falling pregnant again I tried harder not to gain anymore?

What if….the second I had my baby I really tried to loose it all before it got comfy on my body?

What if…. I looked how that girl does right now? How different would my life be? How different would I feel? How many opportunities would I of taken? 

Life is full of what ifs, and I can not STAND thinking so negativity . I HATE feeling sorry for myself. I’m so much stronger than that but sometimes it’s like I fall into little puddles of it.

Those are my thoughts from today, I’d love to hear in the comments how you feel about this subject. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

X X X X X 

Annoying things about being fat when it’s hot


After the fantastic feedback of my Annoying things about being fat post I thought I would continue the series but go a little deeper, so today we shall be talking about being fat in the heat. As this is a whole new ball game of problems. I find writing about these things really inspire me to keep going with my weigh loss, as well as entertain you lovely people.

Getting my arms out

It has only been a year or so that I have liberated my arms and set them free. Since my weight gain they have been firmly covered up. No matter how hot it got or how sweaty and uncomfortable I was I would NEVER EVER get my arms out. My big jiggly wings were not for the publics entertainment and I couldn’t stand looking at them. Even when I was smaller I felt this way I think it’s an issue a LOT of women can relate to. But now I’ve set them free it has made my life tonnes easier in the heat. I just say to myself they won’t look like this forever, I’m trying my hardest to work on my body and since starting swimming I have noticed a difference! 

Getting my legs out

Unless I am in the privacy of my own home my legs do not see sunlight. I live in dresses and leggings and if I’m that hot I think I’m going to pass out I might roll them up over my ankles. I love wearing little shorts at home feeling all cute and what not but I just could not get them out in public it would be far too humiliating! I’ve recently be brave enough to expose the leg beneath my knee (that makes me sound like an 80 year old woman lol) but I’ll be honest I felt naked all day and was worried my dress would blow up exposing my thunder thighs!! I’m still making myself do it though as I need to get over this fear as really the only person who cares is me.

Chaffing central

Ahhhh this is a biggie, the thigh chaffing situation is very unpleasant. If I know I’m going to be walking more than 10 steps I need something to protect my thighs from starting a fire. If I’m wearing a maxi dress which I would die from overheating if I had leggings on too (which I did wear for several years under maxi dresses!) I found myself some long black shorts, imagine leggings but cut off above the knee. They are the least sexy thing I own the look ridiculous, my other half always takes the piss, but they do the job beautifully and no one sees them but me!

A pool of sweat is following me around

Have you ever heard the phrase when it rains it pours?! I don’t think the saying was intended to mean sweat but were using it in that context today! Holy shit I’m getting sweaty, embarrassingly sweaty, and not just in the usual places. It’s seeping out of every pore in my body drenching me head to toe is seconds. I’ll walk up to school thinking wow I’m not as sweaty as I thought I would be,until I stop, then comes the rain sweat. My water bill is going to be huge this month  the amount of showers I’ve been having!

The dreaded sun cream

Sun cream is soooo important and after having a cancerous mole with cancerous cells around it (I’ll write about that soon too) I have to be really careful. But I fucking hate it!!’ No matter what cream I buy I feel greasy and slimy, it also mixes in with the sweat which is just disgusting. Not to mention it’s expensive!!! Between me and the kids we’re going through more suncream than…..well a lot of suncream. I have also just realised this point has nothing to do with being fat!! I went off on a tangent there but it’s still something I hate about the heat. 

I’d love to hear in the comments below what you hate about the heat, no matter what your size!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

X X X X X

Resisting eating crap, it was worth it and my BIGGEST tip on saying NO (Still on track!)

Well well well a few days later and I’m still ruling  healthy eating!!! I’ve not even been that tempted to stray, I’m feeling so much better physically and mentally I don’t want to fuck it up now. 

After having a few months binging I didn’t want to know the damage I had done, so instead of weighing and beating myself up. 

I simply started again. 

Before I went off track this time I was 9 pounds off a 3 stone weightloss. So in my mind, as long as I was at that weight I had counteracted the damage I had done by eating nothing but crap. 

Today I weighed myself to see how I was getting on, I was tickled pink to see I am 3.5 pounds off a 3 stone weight loss!!!! 

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

Seeing the numbers fall is more addictive than drugs, it makes me keep going and makes everytime I say no to something naughty worth while. 

This morning I was at a cafe with my kiddies. In the queue to get them a drink and a snack my brain went through this process:

Those giant fruit and nut flap jacks look good shall I get one?…. no no far too many syns…. then again that could be my treat for the day?… no no you’ll regret it later when you want a vodka and a Curley whirly…those ham and cheese paninis look good… no no your having a brown pitta bread with dinner don’t have more bread…. hmmmm but they do look really good…. what about crisps you could get quavers…£1 a bag? Yeah I don’t want them that much…. what about the hummus crisps?… holy shit 9 syns a bag maybe not….. fuck it I’ll just get a drink.

Then I sat there, sipping my oasis zero, proud and feeling like I just lost another 0.5 of a pound by saying NO.

I wish I could remember where I learnt my biggest and best tip for saying no, as when I feel myself needing a boost to keep me motivated I’ll do this for a few days and it massively helps remind me of how far I’ve come. It’s quite simple;

Get yourself a notebook and pen, throughout the day every single time to resist something naughty, write it down. 

For example, if when you buy your morning coffee your offered a muffin half price with the coffee and you say NO, write it down. 

If at work someone offered you a slice of cake or a biscuit with your tea and you say NO, write it down. 

If at lunch time you walk past McDonald and mentally argue with yourself about having it and end up saying NO, write it down. 

If at dinner time you toy with the idea of a takeaway but resist, wrote it down.

Then at the end of the day add up the syns you said no to, you will be amazed at what that number on the bottom of the page says. 

It’ll show you how far you have actually come at saying no and that every time you do, it’s weight that otherwise would be going on. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

X X X X X 

Still on track and what’s keeping me going!! 


It’s day 7 and I’m still on track!!! I’m in the zone, nothing can stop me!!! I am a dieting god slaying one fat cell at a time with my sword of cucumber, yellow pepper and wholemeal wraps.

Already I can feel a difference and my friend and other half have noticed random patches of fat on my body start to go down. 

The sun is keeping me happy and reminding me of what I would love to be wearing in the summer right now!! 


Only 5.5 weeks until my birthday night away and only 7.5 weeks until our little family holiday! If I can stay on track till then I know I will feel fantastic. No where near at my goal but like I said before, that’s ok. As long as I try my hardest from now until then I’ll be happy. 


After work I’m going to do another healthy food shop and stock up on the things that keep me on track. Tomorrow after work I’ll be going swimming.

I’ve not given in to temptation and I feel amazing for it. When I go off track I feel so shitty but today is positive central and I’m so determined to do this.

I don’t want to be stick thin, I just want to be able to go into a normal shop, grab a dress in my size and it fit. 

I’m sick of always being the biggest one.

I’m sick of being sweaty all the time in this heat, improving my fitness is helping but I’m still walking tap. 

I’m sick of being scared of chairs.

All these things are propelling me and keeping me going!

What inspires you to stay on track? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

X X X X X 

The ‘perfect’ slimming world week


Ah the perfect week, food diary perfection. Each day was as healthy and ‘sticking to the rules’ as the next. There was no cheating, no over indulging and no binging. Our slimming world at its finest. When you step on those scales and see the results you know in your heart you did the very best that you could. No regret from eating a whole cake or not counting cheese as a syn for the hell of it, you just feel proud and like you have achieved.

When I first began I had many perfect weeks, but the last two months I’ve been mucking about and wasting time. 

This week shall be a perfect week. I’m on day 4 of my week, only 3 more days to do and I have made it! My weigh in day is Friday so I’m extending my perfect week until then. I didn’t weigh last week as I was a big baby and didn’t want to know the damage I had done.

I’m praying when I step on those scales on Friday I see a number I haven’t seen in a while. I’ve been floating between about half a stone for the past two months and I need to push through it to the other side!! 

I’m so close to my 3 stone off mark I need to stay on track and think of the bigger picture. 

I am confident 

I am determined 

I can fucking do this

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

X X X X X 

My slimming world food/drink essentials!!!


Recently I fell off the food wagon again, before I could get back on it I went and did a huge food shop. This got me thinking, if I don’t have certain essentials I really struggle to stick with it. But when I have my essentials I am unstoppable, a weight loosing machine! So here are my slimming world essentials I need to succeed.

1.Eggs 

I realise tummy wise not everyone is able to do this, but I have 3 eggs for breakfast in the morning. It fills me up and stops me using up my B choice so early in the day, which in turn stops me going off track. 

2. Apples

As I am constantly on the go it’s important that at least some of my speed food is ready to grab and eat. After my eggs I’ll grab two apples and eat them while I’m out and about. 

3. Brown wholemeal wraps

At lunch these are a god send, unlike the tiny bread you get as a B choice a wholemeal wrap can trick your self into thinking your eating something huge! I stuff mine with ham turkey lettuce and a dab of mayo. Yummy filling and can be eaten anywhere. 

4. Muller light yogurts

These are my sweet treats, if I’m peckish or want to eat a packet of kitkats I’ll reach for a mullet light to curb that sweet tooth. It’s a shame they’re so expensive, I also find it difficult to find the more interesting flavours. These issues aside they’re still always in my fridge! 

5. Syn free sandwich meat

As well as stuffing my wrap with handfuls of turkey and ham, I make sure I have extra to snack on. When hunger kicks in and it’s not dinner time it’s very easy for me to go off track as I can’t be bothered or I don’t have the time to prepare something substantial. This is where the sandwich meat comes in, it fills me up and keeps the hunger at bay. 

6. Un sweetened Almond milk 

I am not vegan by any means but I’m a big fan of almond milk, as well as loving the taste you are allowed approximately 500ml as your healthy A choice!! You’ll want to double check that as each brand is different. My favourite is Amond Breeze, it’s so creamy and yummy I could drink it all day. It also tastes good in coffee whereas some other brands have a very strange taste. 

7. Vodka

Last but not least it’s vodka! I save myself a tonne of syns in the summer by having vodka around, I love sweet fruit ciders but they are super high in syns so instead I’ll have a vodka with Diet Coke or with diet Fanta to make it different. Which is 2 syns per shot of vodka, I have a measuring glass the ensure I’m using the right amount and not going over. 

Thank you for reading my essentials list! I love reading other people’s ticks and tricks so thought I’d start sharing mine. Soon I’ll write a post on my favourite treats and syns which might give you some ideas of what to munch on! 

What can you not live without on slimming world?! I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

X X X X X 

Slimming world update! Week one (AGAIN) weigh in!


Some of may be thinking, “I’ve seen this post before?!” And yes, yes you have. You see I am weak willed at times and my healthy eating goes in and out the window like a pogo. I do have to say though, I always get back on it more determine than ever. 

After several weeks of naughtiness I decided on Monday enough was enough, I didn’t weigh myself as I didn’t want to see the damage. Instead I thought I’d be good for 5 days then weigh myself. 

So pleased I did!

I am 3 pounds heavier than I was before I started eating shite and went off track. I’m happy with that! It actually physically stopped me grabbing for the choc hobnobs for breakfast, instead I’m snuggled back in bed writing this. Debating on going for a poo then weighing again, (don’t act offended or disgusted we all do it!)

I really thought I would of had a bigger gain, ever after being good for 5 days. Happy relief ! As in my head I’d put on every pound I had lost.

I am 6 pounds off my 3 stone, I Know if I put my mind to it I can loose that in a week, two at most. So this is my short term weight goal.

My next goal will to be in the next stone down so that’ll be 4.5 pounds on top of the 6. That is a number of not seen in quite sometime.

8 weeks until my birthday night away, I can do this!

How has your weekly weigh in gone I’d love to hear in the comments below?!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

X X X X X