Skinny envy


I don’t want my blog to be me moaning about being fat all the time. But I write whatever I feel like on the day, although i cover an eclectic range of topics, sometimes a certain topic is on my mind more than others. And this week it’s fat. I would also like to say I am actually doing something about my weight so I feel I can moan, as I’m being proactive in changing.

As I’ve gotten older I’m really good at not getting ‘skinny envy’ when I was younger it was quite bad. If someone was too pretty or too body perfect I’d be funny with them and find reasons not to like them. This is hard to admit as I’m nothing like that today. What is ironic, is looking back I WAS one of those pretty, thin girls I just didn’t see it at the time.

I used to find others girls threatening in every way, i was so insecure it ruled my life. I thought all my friends were prettier than me and that I was always the ugly fat one. This was far from the truth but being a teenager does crazy things to your brain.

I don’t look at slim people now and pick holes in them, they’re just people. For all I know they could of been my size and worked their arse off to get that body. They might not of eaten sugar or carbs for 10 years, they might have an illness, what I’m getting at is you never know someone’s story. I don’t judge people for being fat so why would I judge someone for being slim?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and just because I think someone is beautiful, it doesn’t take away anyone else’s beauty, not all beautiful people are threatening. Beauty is also more than skin deep, and just because they’re attractive it doesn’t mean they’re a good person.

As I got older I realised that right now I’m not conventionally ‘good looking’ but I’m still beautiful inside which in turn makes me more attractive. I hope this is making sense!

There’s times I still feel super self conscious and I want to ground to swallow me up, when I can feel eyes staring at my belly or my arms. Or staring at how much room I’m taking up on a bench, but I’m learning to breath through it and keep myself together. 

I don’t look at every thin person and think ‘I hate her I wish I looked like that.’ Because I really don’t. I might look at someone and think ‘I love her dress/shorts/top I wish I could wear that, or I wish my bum/back/arms/tummy/legs looked like that’. But it’s not bitchy envy, it’s more me feeling a bit sad for myself. 

From time to time, I will see someone that reminds me of the old me. That is what really gets to me. It makes me think ‘what if.’

What if…after starting my anti psychotics and my weight started exploding I stopped taking them and tried another medication?

What if….I made more of an effort to counteract the weight gain before it got to this point?

What if….after gaining the weight THEN falling pregnant again I tried harder not to gain anymore?

What if….the second I had my baby I really tried to loose it all before it got comfy on my body?

What if…. I looked how that girl does right now? How different would my life be? How different would I feel? How many opportunities would I of taken? 

Life is full of what ifs, and I can not STAND thinking so negativity . I HATE feeling sorry for myself. I’m so much stronger than that but sometimes it’s like I fall into little puddles of it.

Those are my thoughts from today, I’d love to hear in the comments how you feel about this subject. 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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Resisting eating crap, it was worth it and my BIGGEST tip on saying NO (Still on track!)

Well well well a few days later and I’m still ruling  healthy eating!!! I’ve not even been that tempted to stray, I’m feeling so much better physically and mentally I don’t want to fuck it up now. 

After having a few months binging I didn’t want to know the damage I had done, so instead of weighing and beating myself up. 

I simply started again. 

Before I went off track this time I was 9 pounds off a 3 stone weightloss. So in my mind, as long as I was at that weight I had counteracted the damage I had done by eating nothing but crap. 

Today I weighed myself to see how I was getting on, I was tickled pink to see I am 3.5 pounds off a 3 stone weight loss!!!! 

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

Seeing the numbers fall is more addictive than drugs, it makes me keep going and makes everytime I say no to something naughty worth while. 

This morning I was at a cafe with my kiddies. In the queue to get them a drink and a snack my brain went through this process:

Those giant fruit and nut flap jacks look good shall I get one?…. no no far too many syns…. then again that could be my treat for the day?… no no you’ll regret it later when you want a vodka and a Curley whirly…those ham and cheese paninis look good… no no your having a brown pitta bread with dinner don’t have more bread…. hmmmm but they do look really good…. what about crisps you could get quavers…£1 a bag? Yeah I don’t want them that much…. what about the hummus crisps?… holy shit 9 syns a bag maybe not….. fuck it I’ll just get a drink.

Then I sat there, sipping my oasis zero, proud and feeling like I just lost another 0.5 of a pound by saying NO.

I wish I could remember where I learnt my biggest and best tip for saying no, as when I feel myself needing a boost to keep me motivated I’ll do this for a few days and it massively helps remind me of how far I’ve come. It’s quite simple;

Get yourself a notebook and pen, throughout the day every single time to resist something naughty, write it down. 

For example, if when you buy your morning coffee your offered a muffin half price with the coffee and you say NO, write it down. 

If at work someone offered you a slice of cake or a biscuit with your tea and you say NO, write it down. 

If at lunch time you walk past McDonald and mentally argue with yourself about having it and end up saying NO, write it down. 

If at dinner time you toy with the idea of a takeaway but resist, wrote it down.

Then at the end of the day add up the syns you said no to, you will be amazed at what that number on the bottom of the page says. 

It’ll show you how far you have actually come at saying no and that every time you do, it’s weight that otherwise would be going on. 

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Still on track and what’s keeping me going!! 


It’s day 7 and I’m still on track!!! I’m in the zone, nothing can stop me!!! I am a dieting god slaying one fat cell at a time with my sword of cucumber, yellow pepper and wholemeal wraps.

Already I can feel a difference and my friend and other half have noticed random patches of fat on my body start to go down. 

The sun is keeping me happy and reminding me of what I would love to be wearing in the summer right now!! 


Only 5.5 weeks until my birthday night away and only 7.5 weeks until our little family holiday! If I can stay on track till then I know I will feel fantastic. No where near at my goal but like I said before, that’s ok. As long as I try my hardest from now until then I’ll be happy. 


After work I’m going to do another healthy food shop and stock up on the things that keep me on track. Tomorrow after work I’ll be going swimming.

I’ve not given in to temptation and I feel amazing for it. When I go off track I feel so shitty but today is positive central and I’m so determined to do this.

I don’t want to be stick thin, I just want to be able to go into a normal shop, grab a dress in my size and it fit. 

I’m sick of always being the biggest one.

I’m sick of being sweaty all the time in this heat, improving my fitness is helping but I’m still walking tap. 

I’m sick of being scared of chairs.

All these things are propelling me and keeping me going!

What inspires you to stay on track? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

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The ‘perfect’ slimming world week


Ah the perfect week, food diary perfection. Each day was as healthy and ‘sticking to the rules’ as the next. There was no cheating, no over indulging and no binging. Our slimming world at its finest. When you step on those scales and see the results you know in your heart you did the very best that you could. No regret from eating a whole cake or not counting cheese as a syn for the hell of it, you just feel proud and like you have achieved.

When I first began I had many perfect weeks, but the last two months I’ve been mucking about and wasting time. 

This week shall be a perfect week. I’m on day 4 of my week, only 3 more days to do and I have made it! My weigh in day is Friday so I’m extending my perfect week until then. I didn’t weigh last week as I was a big baby and didn’t want to know the damage I had done.

I’m praying when I step on those scales on Friday I see a number I haven’t seen in a while. I’ve been floating between about half a stone for the past two months and I need to push through it to the other side!! 

I’m so close to my 3 stone off mark I need to stay on track and think of the bigger picture. 

I am confident 

I am determined 

I can fucking do this

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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My Slimming world Syn essentials!! (Part one)


If I want a successful slimming world week there are a few syn’ed items I just have to have in my cupboards. These items stop me from going off track and are something to look forward too. I try and be syn free all day so I can have a munch in the evening, that way I don’t feel left out when my other half eats his weight in mars bars and malteasers!! 

Options Belgium choc mint hot chocolate

These are life savers in a packet! If after lunchtime I have a quiet afternoon, and all I want to do is binge on chocolate I’ll make myself a hot chocolate. They’re really sweet (even sweeter after adding two sweetness!) it takes me a while to drink and actually fills me up a bit. At 2 syns I think it’s well worth it, this leads on to my next essential…

Flumps

Flump marshmallow chopped into tiny pieces in the hot chocolate is GORGEOUS. It turns into a gooey stick sweet yummy mess. Flumps are 2 syns so with the hot choc its 4 but lasts way longer than anything else that has 4 syns so it’s worth it.

Curly whirly 

This isn’t something I would usual eat when I’m not dieting, but when I am it’s beautiful. I can’t believe they’re only 6 syns! I can really take my time eating them too and as they look big it tricks my mind that it’s a huge treat. 

Low fat mayo & low sugar and salt ketchup

Half the syns of the regular sauces these are a staple in my house. I used the mayo for my wrap at lunch and the ketchup for making BBQ pulled pork and dipping at dinner time. 

Panko bread crumbs

This is quite a random one but a good one. They’re light Japanese breadcrumbs. I use these to make my own low syn-high flavour breaded chicken. There are tonnes of recipes you can adapt using these breadcrumbs to lower the syns. I whiz mine up in a blender with loads of spices before dipping the chicken in egg then the bread crumb mixture. Even my fussy family like these so they are part of our weekly meal plan now!

Low fat sour cream

I bloody love sour cream I can eat it with literally anything. However it’s packed full of syns so I’ve started buying a low fat version. I’ll like it with fahijta wraps and over chilli, it’s lower syns that cheese and makes me feel like I’m not missing out. I also use it to make a peppercorn sauce with steak by putting a dollop in the pan, heating it up slowly and added ground pepper, makes my veggies taste better too.

I hope you enjoyed part one of my slimming world essentials, if you’d like to read part two please hit that follow button to stay notified! I’d love to hear in the comments below your favourite syn’d foods.

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Feeling self conscious at swimming, it was awful

I wrote a post a while ago about how I had over come my fear of going swimming and wearing a costume in public. I’ve been taking the kids regularly as well as going on my own to swim laps. Huge steps. Since I have really accepted myself the fear of wearing a costume in public had gone, I had decided I didn’t give a crap what people thought. I’m not going to look like this forever and I’m a beautiful soul so who cares?

I took the kids swimming today and I have never seen it so busy, it was horrible, tonnes of 12 years old splashing and jumping about. This was petrifying to my youngest who’s fear of water is only starting to go, it was disappointing as I feel it set him back a bit. He held on for dear life the whole time. My daughter on the other hand loved it and found the confidence to jump in the water off the edge for the first time. Which was fantastic!

Me however, for the first time in a long time, I felt like crap. All I could feel were eyes on me, I felt like everyone was laughing at me and staring at my huge size. I felt sorry for my kids having to be seen with me, and looking like a bad mum for being so over weight. It felt like the world was closing in on me and I couldn’t breath. 

The sad thing is even when I’ve been underweight I’ve felt like this, so I know this issue isn’t just about my weight. This feeling I had today is the reason I’ve worked so hard on accepting myself and loving who I am. Because I don’t want to live my life feeling this way. It was gutting as I really thought I was past this. 

I’m proud that I didn’t run, I still got in and out to go to the different pools, I still swam and played with the kids like I usually would and I still stood and showered at the end washing my hair. I ignored the stares and the odd kid laughing, I smacked a smile on my face and thought of my children. It was all about having time with them and having some fun. Which is exactly what we did. 

Do you ever feel this way in public? As if your existence insults the rest of humanity? 

I’d love to hear in the comments below.

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Slimming world update! Week one (AGAIN) weigh in!


Some of may be thinking, “I’ve seen this post before?!” And yes, yes you have. You see I am weak willed at times and my healthy eating goes in and out the window like a pogo. I do have to say though, I always get back on it more determine than ever. 

After several weeks of naughtiness I decided on Monday enough was enough, I didn’t weigh myself as I didn’t want to see the damage. Instead I thought I’d be good for 5 days then weigh myself. 

So pleased I did!

I am 3 pounds heavier than I was before I started eating shite and went off track. I’m happy with that! It actually physically stopped me grabbing for the choc hobnobs for breakfast, instead I’m snuggled back in bed writing this. Debating on going for a poo then weighing again, (don’t act offended or disgusted we all do it!)

I really thought I would of had a bigger gain, ever after being good for 5 days. Happy relief ! As in my head I’d put on every pound I had lost.

I am 6 pounds off my 3 stone, I Know if I put my mind to it I can loose that in a week, two at most. So this is my short term weight goal.

My next goal will to be in the next stone down so that’ll be 4.5 pounds on top of the 6. That is a number of not seen in quite sometime.

8 weeks until my birthday night away, I can do this!

How has your weekly weigh in gone I’d love to hear in the comments below?!

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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