This is a bit of a weird one, it’s something I think about a lot in my head but don’t speak about our loud.
Am I destined for ‘greatness’? Is it my upbringing? Or is it the bipolar?
Before being diagnosed with bipolar in my mid twenties, I have always thought I was something special. Not in a big headed way, more in a…I can do anything I put my mind to and I will succeed in whatever I choose to do… kinda way.
I was brought up to believe in myself and to know that I am more than capable when I really try. My dad has worked his arse off at his own business and has done incredibly well for himself. Long story short and to be incredibly blunt, I had a very privileged upbringing and in my mind, I have always wanted to be as successful as my dad, if not more successful.
I don’t want the only time in my life that I have ‘money’ to be when my parents die. I want to achieve in my own right. I have big expectations of myself, and for someone who hates any kind of pressure, these expectations don’t upset or worry me. They motivate me and keep me going.
I knew I wanted my own business, since I was a teenager, I just had no idea doing what. I didn’t have a talent or a skill. I was in childcare for years, which I loved, until I had my own child and I decided it was too much. (I might write a blog post about that if it’s of interest to any one?!) I then tried a sales job which was terrible, I then had another child and decided to stay at home with the kiddies. We would of been sooooo poor without my part time wages (just because my dad has money doesn’t mean that I do!!) but I really didn’t care, I felt like I had missed out so much with the kids already it was worth it.
Very quickly after that, I fell into doing nails from home, which then lead to other beauty courses and boom here we are. Turns out I do have a skill, a skill and profession that has HUGE potential of expansion. My goal is to have my own salon by the time I’m 40. This is a goal that will happen, it’s not a dream of a flippant thought, it’s a promise and come hell or high water it will happen.
5 years into my business I’m doing good, I can pay my bills and buy us food. I’m still no where near where I want to be, but then again I never thought I would fall pregnant at 19, so I’ve done everything the other way round and have come to terms with that. My children are 10 and 5, I am 30, I feel like we’ve all grown up together and am so happy with family life I’m making the most of it.
Wow I’ve gone slightly off topic here but I promise it’ll all make sense soon!
In my mid twenties, after years of inner struggles I went to finally go and get myself sorted, and it turned out I was diagnosed with bipolar. It was quite a strange time for me and although I knew I needed help it was all very surreal. I started taking anti psychotics and over time levelled out.
During this time I started researching bipolar. I was shocked at what I discovered as I could relate to so many of the symptoms, but there was one sentence, that stopped me in my tracks….
You may also feel like you’re all-powerful, invincible, or destined for greatness.
Unrealistic, grandiose beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
Before my medication I did feel invincible, I didn’t believe I had powers but I thought I could take on the world and come away without a scratch. No matter what risky situation I put myself in, and there was a lot, I never thought any harm would come to me. This thought petrifies me now, it’s also strange looking back as a lot of bad things did happen to me, I just didn’t understand how bad they were at the time.
That wasn’t what shook me to my core, what took my breath away was ‘unrealistic’ ‘beliefs in ones ability.’ Is it possible, that this positive feeling I have had about myself and my capabilities….isn’t real? Is it possible that my upbringing has nothing to do with what I think I can achieve? Is it all in my head? This thought broke my heart and made me question everything about myself.
This post has taken me weeks to write, countless hours of pondering, writing and deleting. Originally I wasn’t going to have a conclusion as to what I thought, because when I started this, I really didn’t know. But sitting here now, I refuse to believe that my self believe is merely a symptom of a mental disorder. I refused to let list of ‘traits’ define what I can achieve and how I feel about myself. I really do think I can do anything I set my mind to, and I know a huge part of that is from my upbringing, nothing is impossible. I also think that this bipolar trait is what helps spur me along, subconsciously telling me I will get there, I just have to keep trying.
I would LOVE to hear what you think about this in the comments below! I really hope this post came across ok, I would hate to come across boastful or bigheaded I was trying to be honest and genuine. I think those of you that have followed me for a while would know this already ❤️
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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