***Hello you lovely people, I was meant to post this last weekend but it’s been crazy hectic so I’m posting it today***
It’s Saturday again, therefore I’m sitting in that shitty cafe while waiting for my daughter to finish gymnastics (link) thankfully the cafe have seemed to have employed a grown up now so it’s been less stressful! Today I wasn’t sure what to write about, while I was staring at my phone reading all my draft post ideas a situation occurred.
A man sat at the table opposite me, a huge giant veiny muscle man. As I glanced up I realised I knew this giant man. He was from my home town, as teenagers we knew each other and had the same friends. All my female friends fancied him, I suppose he is what you would call ‘universally good looking’ but he never floated my boat. As friendly as he was there wasn’t much going on between his ears, if you get what I mean. And he was far too nice and ‘mainstream’ not at all what I was into at 16!!!
As I got older and moved to the next town over I bumped into him one day while walking my daughter to nursery. He told me he was working at nearby school and was having his lunch. We had a chat and that was that. I saw him every day on the way to nursery for the next year. He asked me out for a drink once, which bless him but was rather cringy! I politely turned him down saying I had a boyfriend but thank you anyway. Even if I didn’t have a boyfriend there was no way I would of had a drink with him, I’ve never seen him in that way.
I would like to point out now that up until this point I was a healthy weight, maybe a few pounds over or under, but overall an average weight. 7 years later I’m sitting here DOUBLE the size. My first thought was ‘oh god please don’t start talking to me, I really can’t be bothered with a conversation right now I’m trying to write.’ But as the minutes ticked by, he had glanced over, but I realised he had no idea who I was. I was relieved, hiding in my fat suit was the best disguise in the world.
People who had know me for two thirds of my life no longer recognised me.
It’s a blessing and a curse. I’m happy as it’s plain embarrassing seeing people from the past when you don’t look your best. But at the same time it’s actually quite sad. I’ve pushed my body shape to the point I look like a different person, people who don’t know me, don’t see ME, they see a ‘big lady.’ That in itself is sad.
I know this is true as that’s how I used to see people like me, as hard as it is to admit that, it makes me sound so shallow, but I didn’t think it nastily, it was more feeling sorry for people and a lack of understanding. I would see people my size now, and think ‘How on earth could you let it get that bad? Why would you not of started loosing weight when you put on the first couple of stone? How could you let yourself get that big?’ And I hate myself for judging people like that.
Now I am on the other side it’s not where near as black and white as I used to see it.
After months of binging and feeling like crap, I decided last Wednesday enough is enough and I’m back on my healthy eating. I feel so much better already. My main reason for trying to loose weight this time round is my body is tiered. It’s tiered from carrying this huge weight, my feet hurt, my joins are aching and clicking. After sitting down it take a few minutes for my feet and ankles to warm up again so I’m not in pain. I’m doing this to myself and I have to stop. Where will it end if I don’t? I have a busy life I’m always here there and everywhere, but what happens when I get to the point I can’t do that any more? That my body is so heavy I can barely move. No, that’s not going to happen. I need to reign this in now before it gets any worse. I was 3 stone off my heaviest weight, now I’m only one stone off my heaviest. Which sucks, I worked so hard to loose it and I’ve thrown it all away.
I’ve been walking everywhere I possibly can and sticking to my healthy eating plan. I lost 6.5 pounds this week which I was so happy with, but even better than that my fitness is improving and I’m feeling so much better mentally. When I eat shit, I feel shit. It’s as simple as that.
I’d love to hear how your all doing?! After a week off I’m back in the blogging game.
Lots of love
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
X X X X X