I started this blog for many reasons, one big reason was to help get my feelings out and this post is something that has been hiding at the back of my mind all week. This weekend I’ve got a night away with my friends, and we’re going to get druuuunk. I’m so excited I can’t wait, it’s been planned for a long time. But there are a few worries I have and I need to let them out!
Apart from the kids going to my mums for the night it’s the first time I’m the one going away. So even though their at home with their dad (my other half) I’m nervous about the goodbye. I know they’ll cry and I’ll be worrying about them all afternoon. I know that sounds dramatic but this blog is my honest truth. I also know they will stop crying pretty quick after I go but it’ll still be on my mind.
My biggest Secret worry, is, what if anxiety hits while I’m out? What if I’m the biggest one there and every one stares at me? What if someone points and laughs? What if someone is mean to me and I cry or kick off? What if, no matter how much I drink and how dolled up I get, I still feel like shit? What if the chairs are tiny? What if I feel pretty and beautiful and amazing…and I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and those positive feelings melt away? What if it feels like the walls are closing in and I can’t breath? I hate sounding this insecure, I can be incredibly confident and I’m at a place in my life that 9/10 times I don’t care what others think. Yes I may be big but I like who I am inside, I think I have a pretty face, and I totally rock the 50,s style…but there’s a little voice inside me saying the opposite. When I was younger that voice was all I could hear, but now it’s a tiny whisper. But it still creeps up on me.
I’m sure I’m worrying over nothing, like I always do, but I really needed to get this out.
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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