thesecretblogofa30yearold

What would I say to my 18 year old self (question from the lovely Linda)


I recently did a Q&A answering your questions for part one click Here for part two click Here. A few questions I decided to turn into blog posts, Linda asked this question, it really spoke to me so here is my 100% honest truth of what I would say to myself. I got really emotional writing this as it was one of the worst times in my life.

Dear my 18 year old self

What the fuck are you doing? Seriously what are you doing? I don’t even know who you are any more. Drinking every day, sleeping around and not sticking with therapy is not going to solve your problems. It just going to give you bigger ones.

I’m going to let you in on a secret, in one years time your going to fall pregnant by someone your hardly know. Yes that’s right, your going to have a baby. You are going to have to grow up so quick your not going to cope. You need to sort yourself out now. You need to finally get diagnosed, I know your scared and I know you think your fine but your not. And because your going to run away from this you won’t get diagnosed  with bipolar until your 24, your going to go through years emotional hell and torment if you can’t get a grip on this early.

Yes your getting help with your drinking but your not helping yourself. You may be going to the specialised alcohol therapist but your still drinking!!! Your frustrating the life out of me. Soon as you fall pregnant you quit going all together. I’m begging you not to stop. You have to keep going.

You will also find out when you are 26 that you have PTSD from your sexual assault when you were 14. This is why you have so many problems when it comes to sex. When you are finally brave enough to get help it CHANGES YOUR LIFE. You don’t want to go, but you must. Please get that sorted now too, don’t leave it until your at the point of a breakdown.

I need you to know and believe that everything is going to get better, you are going to have the normal life you’ve always dreamed about. It does happen. With a lot of hard work it does happen. You didnt float through life fucking everything up, you took life by the balls and you made it  fucking happen. You will be so proud of yourself it will bring you to tears.

You will be blessed with two beautiful babies and that man you fell pregnant with will turn out to be the love of your life. He’ll grow up to be the man you always knew he could be. He’s still no angel but he will adore you and stand by your side no matter what.

As you get older you will find an inner strength that right now you can’t find. Your self respect, courage and determination will blossom. Your fear of life will melt away, your ambition and drive will come through.

I have tears in my eyes writing this as I know you will never read this, and what makes me even more sad is that even if you did, it wouldn’t make a difference. You won’t listen to reason and you never learn unless you make mistakes for yourself. If you decide to go your own path and not take this advice, you will get there in the end, but buckle up as it’s going to be a long bumpy road.

Love from

29 (a few days off 30) Year Old me

I have linked a few blog posts below going more into detail about issues I have faced. I hope you all have a wonderful day, I highly recommend writing to your old self it was an experience.

Bipolar, medication and pregnancy (the things no one talks about)

Being scared at night time

My sexual assault, how it affected my life and why I got help for my PTSD

What I learn about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that changed my LIFE (please read if struggling)
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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39 comments

  2. Why is there not a Love button on this blog.? Like just doesn’t cut it.
    I doubt that at 18 I would have listened to anyone, including myself, but I would have shaken my stupid self and told me to get out of the damaging relationship I was in at that age, and get a grip before I lost the one person I truly needed.

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    • That literally made my heart flutter thank u so much!!! 😊😍 isn’t is amazing looking back thinking how much things change!!! Hurry up and finish ur love story I’m waiting on the next instalment ❤️ xxxx ps noticed I’m on ur blog as a blog that u love, u have made my day girlie thank u xxx

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  3. Wow, that was so powerful. I didn’t pregnant until my mid twenties but I could have said so many of the same things to myself. This the most honest and vulnerable that I have ever seen you. Amazing.

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  4. This is absolutely amazing. And harrowing. And raw. Thanks for sharing. Your journey has been an escapade of big highs and very low lows. Well done for beating all the odds. 💜💜

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    • Well… that sounded judgmental as hell. Sorry about that… I accidentally hit enter before I was finished.

      I had intended to soften that a little by explaining how much wisdom & insigjt your ‘mistakes’ gave to you. But you know that somewhere inside already 🙂

      If time does not exist, then even the 18y.o. broken battered you was loved, even then. I love her. Part of you does, too. Just as she is. BECAUSE of how broken she is. Because she did that for you, so you could climb to your highest potential. ❤

      Besides, if you'd known then what you know now… who would be in care of the two precious souls you gave birth to?

      This IS the life you were meant to have, love. You just don't have all the 'why's' quite yet ❤

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      • Lol it didn’t sound judgmental!!! Writing that made me realise how far I really have come it was amazing.

        I teared up reading that next bit, I don’t know what to say but thank u that really meant a lot and was such a sweet thing to say. I thought I was so grown up at the time but I was a broken little girl.

        This is definitely the life I was meant to have, everything is falling into place one piece at a time, and everything so far has happened for a reason ❤️❤️❤️

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      • That feeling? That realization (AWARENESS) that all, no matter how awful [or stupid] those choices may seem to Present Day You, with all the ‘wisdom’ of age and time… that acceptance of your choices because you realize what you learned (or received, in the case of your children!) has brought you to where you are.

        When you wouldn’t change a thing about your past… that’s called healing, love. ❤ and when you wouldn't change anything about your present… well, that's when shit gets exciting. You are well on your way, and it is going to be amazing to behold 🙂

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      • And thank you! I cannot describe the joy I feel when I allow the Universe to direct my words and actions to where they will do the most good.

        I am a healer, a teacher, and a guide. I’m beginning to believe that, finally. Nothing gives me more of a sense of peace and fulfillment than making people feel loved, seen, and appreciated at JUST the right moment. ❤

        Thank YOU for allowing me the honor ❤

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  9. Food for thought… the healing, the work YOU are doing (not US- y.o.u., none of our flowery words help you do the work. As a parent, you are more aware of that fact than most, lol)… but the healing work you are doing is WHY all these supportive people and LOVE is coming to you! As you heal, your energy shifts. Therefore, the people and situations you attract shifts, as well.

    Watch and see if I’m not right, lol. When you feel bad, when you let negative thoughts run riot in your heart and mind… that’s when things take a turn for the worse. When you give out loving, healing, accepting energy, lovers and healers and people who accept you as you are come to you. ❤

    I see you.
    I love you.
    (Fags and all, LOL)
    ❤

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