When I was a child I had a secret. A secret that was always at the back of my mind and was a huge part of my childhood. It’s still a bit embarrassing but not as crippling as it used to be. Well here goes…
I used to wet the bed. A lot. For as long as I could remember I would wet the bed at least once a night.
Even at 9 I was still wetting the bed. I refused to go to sleepovers and if people slept at mine it would 100% be different beds, with my mum sneaking in to change my sheets while I sat and silently cried. It was the most humiliating experience I can ever remember.
It was my biggest secret and none of my friends knew. As I got older the bed wetting was less frequent but it still happened. Through the doctors we tried everything even those bed alarms to wake you up.
I was such a heavy sleeper nothing woke me. More than likely due to the fact I found it very hard to fall asleep (Being scared at nighttime)
I remember at 13 (yes even then it still happened) being given tablets I could take if I was at a sleepover which would stop me wetting the bed. Although I always ended up asking to go home at 1 in the morning, too scared to sleep incase I wet the bed. The thought of my secret being exposed made me feel anxious all the time. I felt like such a baby, even though it was something I really couldn’t control.
As I got older, very slowly, the bed wetting stopped. Until I started going out drinking.
A whole new level of humiliation.
If I had that one drink too many, I’d wet the bed. At friends houses, BOYS HOUSES… it was awful. Sometimes it wouldn’t happen for a while and I would get a false sense of security, thinking I had finally at 19 grown out of it.
Even after settling down and having our daughter, it would happen from time to time if a had a nightout. Which was very rare but still happened. My other half bless him was always so sweet about it, he’d tease me a bit but in a playful way, he really didn’t mind if he woke up in wee he would just jump in the shower and not make a big deal out of it. I’m sure it was disgusting waking up in my wee but he never showed it.
Thankfully it has been years since I last wet the bed. I am so happy it is finally over. I remember how having this huge secret weighing on me all the time was soul destroying. I had told myself that no one would understand and if I did tell anyone it would be around my entire school within the day. So I kept it to myself.
Even as a grown up for the longest time I still couldn’t talk about it as it brought back so many horrible memories and feelings.
But I’m so proud today that I’m writing about it. Every time I write about things that haunt me from the past it feels like I’m setting them free in a balloon across the ocean into the sunset.
Are there any balloons you need to send off? Leave them in the comments below.
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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