Being scared at night time 

I used to have huge issues with sleeping. I didn’t sleep through the night until I was 4, and even then it was a rare thing. One of my main memories as a young child was lying awake all night petrified there was someone under my bed or that my china dolls were secretly alive and going to kill me. So scared that I couldn’t move, scream or do anything. My dad worked away a lot so I would sneak into bed with my mum, but when he was home I had to stay in my own bed and it would start all over again. 
As a teen I’d get 2-3 hours a night for weeks on end, still lying awake all night scared. I really thought it was something I would grow out of. But even when I moved in with my boyfriend, I was 19 and pregnant, It was still happening. I’d dose off cuddled up and safe but wake up feeling alone. If he was out during the night I would stay awake with all the lights on waiting. 
I would be scared that someone was breaking in, that I was going to be possessed, that I was possessed and didn’t know, that a demon was right next to my face, that something was hiding in the dark waiting to take me, that a dead girl would crawl towards me under my quilt…. the list honestly could go on and on. Too scared to physically move or do anything, I would hold in a wee lying awake too scared to even leave the bed.
It took take me all night to fall asleep but the second I was awake that was it, even after a 12 hour drinking session I still couldn’t lie in or sleep. I used to drive my friends crazy, waking them up at 6 in the morning after getting in at 4 to get up and do something. Anything to not make it night time again.
Even after the birth of my daughter I didn’t sleep for just over 3 days, I was petrified something would happen to her in the night and that she would need me. I was so tiered I cried all the time but couldn’t sleep.
This went on until I was diagnosed in my mid 20’s and I went on anti psychotics. I never thought my night issues would ever go away, but they did. My tablets work like a seductive so I finally started sleeping. The night fear disappeared into a memory. 
We watch a lot of scary films now, and I feel immune to the fear factor. I know they’re just films. If a film occasionally freaks me out I just won’t watch it again and I can shake of that creepy feeling in a few days and it doesn’t affect my sleep. I love anything with zombies in!
But lately I saw a film I’ve not been able to shake off. It is called “lights out” it’s about the evil spirit of a woman attached to an alive mental ill woman. The evil woman can only be seen in the dark. It really is a scary film. The first few nights after watching it my night fear came back, not as bad as before but I had forgotten how horrible it felt and it reminded me of how I felt before my medication. I think the film got to me so much as it was intertwined with mental illness. The evil woman was only there when the alive woman was ill as she was mentally more weak. Getting the chills thinking about it!
Did you experience any of the nighttime issues I did? Have you seen the film ‘lights out?’ I’d love to hear in the comments below.
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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  1. Is that the short film, Lights Out? That was absolutely terrifying! I loved it!
    When we were little, we would see a shadowy figure of an old, bald man. We would lie in bed absolutely petrified as his hand would sneak round the doorframe and his silhouette would appear on the back of the door. We used to tell our parents, but they dismissed it as an active imagination. Eventually, we got angry and yelled at the old man to go away… He never came back.

    The weirdest thing about all of that is that I would want to chalk it up to hallucinations, apart from the fact that the shadows were all wrong. I also felt a strong presence of evil in the room. I had hallucinations later in life, but the feeling of terror that I had back then was different to the feeling of terror I had with the hallucinations. I believe in ghosts, so I think the old man may well have been a ghost, whereas the other stuff I saw later had me absolutely wild with fear and unable to do anything to dismiss what I saw. It’s weird.

    What also rings with us in your story is the inability to sleep. Summer was much worse than winter. We managed to stay up late as a small child in our room, just colouring or reading, til about 2am. We would have to be up for school at like 7, so we would regularly only get five hours or so. It never bothered us up until we got older and realised that possibly, not sleeping at all wasn’t so normal. Having been diagnosed with DID and PTSD (along with depression and anxiety, yay!), It makes sense that we don’t sleep well now, but there’s two other things we would quite like a stamp on. We also think we have bipolar disorder, but the NHS was reluctant to diagnose it. The other thing we are pretty sure we have is SAD: Seasonally Affected Disorder in reverse. Summer makes us all upsettable, manic, anxious and sometimes, if paired with other crap, suicidal. Up until yesterday, we just thought we were being melodramatic. When we googled our symptoms, reverse SAD came up. Now we’re going to make sure the curtains are all drawn at 8:30pm and the house is dark, because doing that last night really helped.

    There’s our experiences! I hope you never have night fear again, we did have it too and we really never want you or anyone else to experience it again. X

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m not sure if it was the short film but it was super scary!!!! Omg that old man sounds terrifying I’m sorry you had to go through that! It’s so hard to be diagnosed, it only happened for me after seeing a psychiatrist privately for a while and she wrote a letter which really speeded the process up through the NHS.I just thought I needed some extra help at the time I didn’t realise it was bipolar so was quite eye opening. I did have an idea as I had been told it was a possibility before but it was still weird! It’s lovely speaking to someone who can relate to the night fear it’s off the charts. When you refer to ‘we’ is it yourself and a sibling? Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ok so the we is confusing. Basically I went through trauma from being fairly young and it caused my brain to cope by splitting the trauma off and creating separate identities. The youngest alter I had was eight, but I think they moved on. I’ll find you a better description of DID than I can really muster, and I’ll stick a link in the next comment. X

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      • I have actually read quite a lot about DID but never spoken to anyone who has it! Thank you for the link, it’s a good idea to educate as it’s not widely know or spoken about! I’m so sorry you had such trauma in your life. Does it hugely affect your life now? Xxxx I hope you don’t mind me asking? If it’s too personnel tell me I’m being rude lol xxx

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      • Don’t worry, I would rather explain how it works than not, it’s good to spread awareness and help out if someone wants information! Thank you. There’s quite a community of DID sufferers on WordPress, they’re very kind and supportive. Luckily we haven’t been through trauma quite as bad as some people, but it was enough to split us. The main issue for us on a daily basis is figuring out who should handle what task, and the huge gaps in memory we can have. It used to be worse back when we were newly working together (at one point, we fought all the time, it was scary). X

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      • Oh wow that does sound scary, I’m so glad U don’t all fight ne more. It must be so strange to not remember things from your day, I’m assuming when the others come out you don’t remember anything? Do you get help from a doctor, as I think I read some don’t even try and help! Thank you so much for sharing with me xxx

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      • We used to have horrible daily amnesia, but it’s been better since learning to work together. Some days can be pretty bad, still, but it helps us if we all share our memories together, so it gets easier to piece together our day. I should really wrote a post about DID and how it affects us personally​!! X

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      • You so should I would love to read that!! It would help people understand more too. As it’s quite a hard thing for most people to get their head around. That’s great you all work together and are figuring out how to coincide together. You could also write about how it affects your relationship with your partner too as I’m sure people are curious about that as well. Awareness is always a good thing Xxxx

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      • Definitely so. Our fiancé was the first person we told about having DID. He was amazing and took it in his stride so well, and continues to support all of us. I should get us all motivated to write a couple of posts about it. X

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  2. Great post!!! I hit a point in my deepest depression that I was having trouble sleeping at night afraid of a ghost. I became afraid to go to sleep. I’d pull all of the covers up over my head. I asked if it was like some sort of psychosis and I was told it was. It’s much better now probably due to the anti-psychotic meds.

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