I used to have huge issues with sleeping. I didn’t sleep through the night until I was 4, and even then it was a rare thing. One of my main memories as a young child was lying awake all night petrified there was someone under my bed or that my china dolls were secretly alive and going to kill me. So scared that I couldn’t move, scream or do anything. My dad worked away a lot so I would sneak into bed with my mum, but when he was home I had to stay in my own bed and it would start all over again.
As a teen I’d get 2-3 hours a night for weeks on end, still lying awake all night scared. I really thought it was something I would grow out of. But even when I moved in with my boyfriend, I was 19 and pregnant, It was still happening. I’d dose off cuddled up and safe but wake up feeling alone. If he was out during the night I would stay awake with all the lights on waiting.
I would be scared that someone was breaking in, that I was going to be possessed, that I was possessed and didn’t know, that a demon was right next to my face, that something was hiding in the dark waiting to take me, that a dead girl would crawl towards me under my quilt…. the list honestly could go on and on. Too scared to physically move or do anything, I would hold in a wee lying awake too scared to even leave the bed.
It took take me all night to fall asleep but the second I was awake that was it, even after a 12 hour drinking session I still couldn’t lie in or sleep. I used to drive my friends crazy, waking them up at 6 in the morning after getting in at 4 to get up and do something. Anything to not make it night time again.
Even after the birth of my daughter I didn’t sleep for just over 3 days, I was petrified something would happen to her in the night and that she would need me. I was so tiered I cried all the time but couldn’t sleep.
This went on until I was diagnosed in my mid 20’s and I went on anti psychotics. I never thought my night issues would ever go away, but they did. My tablets work like a seductive so I finally started sleeping. The night fear disappeared into a memory.
We watch a lot of scary films now, and I feel immune to the fear factor. I know they’re just films. If a film occasionally freaks me out I just won’t watch it again and I can shake of that creepy feeling in a few days and it doesn’t affect my sleep. I love anything with zombies in!
But lately I saw a film I’ve not been able to shake off. It is called “lights out” it’s about the evil spirit of a woman attached to an alive mental ill woman. The evil woman can only be seen in the dark. It really is a scary film. The first few nights after watching it my night fear came back, not as bad as before but I had forgotten how horrible it felt and it reminded me of how I felt before my medication. I think the film got to me so much as it was intertwined with mental illness. The evil woman was only there when the alive woman was ill as she was mentally more weak. Getting the chills thinking about it!
Did you experience any of the nighttime issues I did? Have you seen the film ‘lights out?’ I’d love to hear in the comments below.
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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