We all know at least one “perfect” mum, the kind of mums you will spend your life waiting for them to fuck up. My children are my world but the mums I’m going to be talking about are like a different species. In this post I will be making some huge generalisations for the sake of comedy, but I think I’m pretty accurate with what I’ve come up with! I’ve wanted to write this for a long time and am so pleased I’ve gotten round to doing it, it’s going to feel like drinking a cold Diet Coke on a hot day, refreshing.
The PTA Mums
God I hate these women. They are pristine, have full time ‘important and powerful’ jobs, they run the PTA, arrange every activity and fair at the school, they bake better than Michelin Star Chefs, they still have a social life and days out as a family, they go the gym and work with a local chairty weekly as well as running marathons and writing award winning novels. But I have figured out their deep dark secret of how they accomplish everything…, they shit time. Think about it, its the only logical thing that makes sense! They poop out a giant chunk of time and cheat at life, how else can one person achieve all that?!?!
The healthy mums
These are the mums that live in sports gear. Their sleek high pony tail, yoga pants and Nike lycra crop tops. They’re the mums you see running home from the school run, before spending the morning in the gym. They’re the mums that won’t let their kids drink from certain plastic and at kids parties put down as a dietary requirement “no sugar, wheat, gluten, fat, meat, dairy or soy, hope this is not a problem?”
The mums who can’t be away from their children
(When my children were younger I did struggle being away from them. But I think when they get to a certain age it’s a lot different. Mine are (nearly) 5 and 9, and I am more than happy with having some ‘me time’. I love them to death and would do anything for them but let’s be honest, when they’re at school or nannys house it’s the best thing ever. I am with my kids 95% of the time outside of school and there is nothing wrong with needing a break!! )
The mum I am referring to is the one mum at the school gates that hysterically sobs at the school gates when her 8 and 10 year old are back at school after the summer holidays, instead of crying tears of relief. The mum that wishes they were only at school 3 days a week so she could be with them the other 4. The mum that gets a job at her kids school to “spend more time” with her children. The mum that turns up at the school gates half an hour early to pick them up. The mum that, when you joke about dumping your kids off at their grandparents, looks at you like your the devil in human form. That fucking mum that makes you look like an awful human being by reply to your joke with “well I actually love being with my children I cherish every second.” *insert puke here*
The ridiculously calm mums
These are the mums that never loose their cool. You won’t find them shouting at their kids “hurry up we’re going to be late!” So loud that they can be heard two streets away. You won’t find them crying loosing their minds in the middle of Tescos while their toddler is lying on the floor having his 145th paddy that day. You won’t find them dragging their 3 children away from the toy isle screaming “I have no money I told you noooo!!” While carrying the younger two under her arms like rugby balls and pulling the oldest one away by their hair. These women are cool calm and collected at all times and it makes me sick.
The presentable mums
I find these women fascinating, how do they have time before 8.30 in the morning to get the kids fed and ready for school, curl their hair, put on a full face of makeup, chose an outfit worthy of a cat walk and wear heels to do the school run? I understand a bit more if they have to go to work afterwards but for the mums doing home to do nothing? Why? If I’m running late I will literally turn up with my hair unbrushed in a messy bun, a pyjama top with a rain coat over the top, leggings and flip flops. Then I have to stand next to someone who looks like they’re ready for a night out. It’s just depressing they need to stop.
The overly prepared mum
This mum always had a giant Mary poppins bag with her, filled with everything you could ever need. Child fallen over? She has a Mini first aid kit with Paw Patrol plasters. Sticky hands? She has wet wipes. Asthma attack? She has a spare pump. Kids hungry? She has spare snacks. Your child wets them selves? She has spare knickers. Cut your self on rusty metal? No worries over here have a tetanus jab! This mum is guaranteed to make you feel like the most unprepared, unorganised, amateur embarrassment of a mother. I even forget to bring tissues!
I really hope you enjoyed this episode of “annoying things about…” I think that has been my favourite to write so far! I’d love to hear in the comments below if you can relate to any of these elite women or if your human like me!
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
X X X X X