thesecretblogofa30yearold

Feeling self conscious at swimming, it was awful

I wrote a post a while ago about how I had over come my fear of going swimming and wearing a costume in public. I’ve been taking the kids regularly as well as going on my own to swim laps. Huge steps. Since I have really accepted myself the fear of wearing a costume in public had gone, I had decided I didn’t give a crap what people thought. I’m not going to look like this forever and I’m a beautiful soul so who cares?

I took the kids swimming today and I have never seen it so busy, it was horrible, tonnes of 12 years old splashing and jumping about. This was petrifying to my youngest who’s fear of water is only starting to go, it was disappointing as I feel it set him back a bit. He held on for dear life the whole time. My daughter on the other hand loved it and found the confidence to jump in the water off the edge for the first time. Which was fantastic!

Me however, for the first time in a long time, I felt like crap. All I could feel were eyes on me, I felt like everyone was laughing at me and staring at my huge size. I felt sorry for my kids having to be seen with me, and looking like a bad mum for being so over weight. It felt like the world was closing in on me and I couldn’t breath. 

The sad thing is even when I’ve been underweight I’ve felt like this, so I know this issue isn’t just about my weight. This feeling I had today is the reason I’ve worked so hard on accepting myself and loving who I am. Because I don’t want to live my life feeling this way. It was gutting as I really thought I was past this. 

I’m proud that I didn’t run, I still got in and out to go to the different pools, I still swam and played with the kids like I usually would and I still stood and showered at the end washing my hair. I ignored the stares and the odd kid laughing, I smacked a smile on my face and thought of my children. It was all about having time with them and having some fun. Which is exactly what we did. 

Do you ever feel this way in public? As if your existence insults the rest of humanity? 

I’d love to hear in the comments below.

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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20 comments

  1. Yes I feel this way but for different reasons. The hardest part of living for me is living with other humans. They can be so judgemental.

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  2. I definitely feel this way. It makes no difference if its a time where I’m thinner. Fat/thin I do it too. I try to remember everyone else has their own stuff and as I’m not worrying about them, they aren’t looking at me.

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  3. Good for you for not letting those feelings stop you from enjoying time with your kids I’m very over weight and I hate taking public transportation, or going to movies or the theatre where you are crammed into seats, and you feel like you are being judged for the amount of space you are occupying. ! I’m working on my weight though, so hopefully I won’t feel that way forever.

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  5. Oh my yes. I feel like every one is staring at me for whatever reason. I know it’s probably me but I started years ago looking at every person I pass, straight in the eye, smiling and it has helped me tremendously. I’ll say Hey, how are you, how’s your day, etc. Sometimes I get a reply, sometimes not but it makes ME feel better. I also started to start conversations with random people at every chance. If in the store about prices of things, or sizes going down prices going up, etc. It’s been eye opening in the fact that 90% of the people talk back. It reinforces that most of the anxiety and fear I had was me. It made me so proud that you said that even though you felt like people were being, well, people, that it was about your kids and you still pushed through for them. What a great mom they have in you. 🙂

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  6. Hi there. Cant help but to understand what you mean. People have often done similar stuff to me in the past and made jokes about me and my weight. Funny thing is. Since i decided to get rid of it they had to keep quiet. Often to not its people with worse issues trying to make fun of you so they can feel better bout themselves. Funny how some school bullies never grow up. Then on another note. Ridding yourself from the need to receive approval from others is liberating. Yes. You need to be happy in yourself. Remember your family loves you. And above all. Your maker loves you. We however have the ability in ourselves to control our thoughts and actions. It takes time. But it can be done. Part of the walk of wisdom and maturity.

    I started gyming last year. Lost 15kg. This year my life a bit busy but im still losing centimetres and have developed a system to help myself. The thing is. Everybody desires to look good. And compliments makes your heart warm up. Its a tough road. But if you desire to change your body. There is a good healthy way to do it. All it takes from us is the strong will and desire to persist. Most i ever weighed is about 136kg. And i tell u, all the health issues that comes with it stole my joy at that time. Not to mention my selfconfidence. When i started implementing my system i came down to 126. Then i started gyming. Last time i weighed myself was a while back and was somewhere round 110. Funny thing is now i am still loosing fat and centimetres and havnt had the time to gym as actively as before. Belt sizes keep dropping. Im still a big guy. But i used to be a rugby player. So superman muscles is in my physique i guess….cough cough….just joking. Awesome thing is my muscles are starting to show and simply cause of what i am eating. I will post stories on my page soon enough.

    I wish to end with this. You have the ability to take control of every aspect of your wellbeing. Whether in spirit. Heart. Body. Or mind. Yet it all starts in the mind. Every one of us are winners, we just need to start the race. Blessings

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    • Thank you for commenting! Your right about the walk of wisdom and maturity, things like this are getting better as I get older. Congratulations on your weight loss, and I’m sure your rugby playing superman muscles are fabulous 😊👍 looking forward to reading more of your stuff! Xx

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  7. I have always felt like I don’t have the right to be existing. I am very self conscious in public, but I am getting better. The feeling really sucks!

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  8. I felt like this and after having CBT therapy I decided to try an experiment with myself. At my gym, when you come out of the changing rooms you have to walk down the stairs to get to the pool – all the walls around you are glass – with people from the gym looking at you. So, usually, as I really hate my body, I would cover my biggest towel around me so no one could see me.

    So, very scared, I pulled the towel off and folded it up. My WHOLE over weight, much hated body was on show to EVERYONE. I walked down the steps wanting to cry – but no one really looked, no one laughed or commented. I now do it every time and although sometimes I just want to wrap up, I don’t because it’s really helped me start to accept my body. And I have adopted the thought that if someone has a problem with my body it’s tough and I’m trying to embrace individuality. Much love xx

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