I wrote a post a while ago about how I had over come my fear of going swimming and wearing a costume in public. I’ve been taking the kids regularly as well as going on my own to swim laps. Huge steps. Since I have really accepted myself the fear of wearing a costume in public had gone, I had decided I didn’t give a crap what people thought. I’m not going to look like this forever and I’m a beautiful soul so who cares?
I took the kids swimming today and I have never seen it so busy, it was horrible, tonnes of 12 years old splashing and jumping about. This was petrifying to my youngest who’s fear of water is only starting to go, it was disappointing as I feel it set him back a bit. He held on for dear life the whole time. My daughter on the other hand loved it and found the confidence to jump in the water off the edge for the first time. Which was fantastic!
Me however, for the first time in a long time, I felt like crap. All I could feel were eyes on me, I felt like everyone was laughing at me and staring at my huge size. I felt sorry for my kids having to be seen with me, and looking like a bad mum for being so over weight. It felt like the world was closing in on me and I couldn’t breath.
The sad thing is even when I’ve been underweight I’ve felt like this, so I know this issue isn’t just about my weight. This feeling I had today is the reason I’ve worked so hard on accepting myself and loving who I am. Because I don’t want to live my life feeling this way. It was gutting as I really thought I was past this.
I’m proud that I didn’t run, I still got in and out to go to the different pools, I still swam and played with the kids like I usually would and I still stood and showered at the end washing my hair. I ignored the stares and the odd kid laughing, I smacked a smile on my face and thought of my children. It was all about having time with them and having some fun. Which is exactly what we did.
Do you ever feel this way in public? As if your existence insults the rest of humanity?
I’d love to hear in the comments below.
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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