Today started off good, I was wearing my new top that is two sizes smaller and felt fantastic. This week I’m on a mission to declutter the house and do a huge carboot sale at the weekend. The kids have been fantastic getting rid of old toys (money is their main motivation) and I thought tonight why not go through my old clothes and get rid of some.
Why did I think this would be a good idea?
It’s depressed the living shit out of me! They look like dolls clothes compared to what size I’m in now, I admit I’ve kept some bits that are more realist that I could get into (hopefully) in the future but I was brave and added quite a lot to the sell pile. Even looking at my old clothes brings back so many memories of nights out, being young and being thin. Old clothes are the only thing I secretly hoard.
It’s pathetic and not healthy.
I have another four huge boxes to go through tomorrow it’s going to be a sad day. I can feel it already. But I think what has made me even more sad is…
I found the dress I was wearing when I met my other half. It’s nothing fancy but it was my favourite dress in the whole wide world. It was black with white polka dots, the cut was flattering as hell and it was soooo me. Its also is 5 sizes smaller than what I am now *sign* I am feeling so sorry for myself even though I’m the only one who can change it.
I decided to squeeze myself into this dress (looking like a sausage wrapped in cling film) and my other half walks in and makes a joke wishing I was 19 again.
I know he’s just making a man joke and didn’t mean anything by it, but it’s made me feel like shit. I even went back downstairs and said “you wouldn’t want me to be 19 again” he looked at me and genuinely said “why?!” I answered with “because I was fucking crazy” anyone that knows me fully back me up with that statement.
Where was the “I was only kidding babe”? He’s never once said a mean thing about my weight and I know that’s not what he meant but it’s actually really hurt my feelings. He also knows I’m freaking out over turning 30 soon so she jokes right now are not funny to me. Yes I know I’m being over sensitive.
What doesn’t help is I’ve fallen off the food wagon and have been on a 4 day binge. Tomorrow I’m going to get back on it as I was doing so well again I need to stop fucking up. When I’m not eating healthy and loosing weight I feel disgusting, tiered, irritated and like I’m stuck in a rut. I’m 2.5 pounds off loosing 3 stone with 7 stone to go after that I need get my head back in the game!
Hope you’ve all had a better evening than me!
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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