There seems to be a theme going on on my blog ATM with piss. I promise my life does not revolve around wee most of the time, but this story did pop into my head so I thought I would share it with you all as it always makes me laugh thinking about it. I would also like to state now that I was a drunken idiot when I was younger, messy was my middle name. I was undiagnosed (bipolar) with some weird ideas and acted fucking crazy, I do not behave like this now!!!
I was either 18 or 19 and liked to party, hard. Pretty much every night I was down the pub and every weekend I was clubbing. This was before I had my kiddies btw! On this particular night we were going to the next town over to get wrecked. The goal was to get drunk and have dance, a really girlie night out.
After pre-drinks and getting ready (all girls know thats the best bit of the night) we jump in a taxi and head over. After many many shots at a local bar I’m hammered already. My friends half carry me to the club and are begging me to act sober so I get in. After successfully blagging that ‘I’m fine’ we get in, let the dancing begin!!
We realise that no one else is dancing yet as it’s quite early so we get a few more drinks and shots and sit down in one of the booths by the dance floor before anyone else took it. I then (my friends tell me) decided that I don’t care if no one is dancing I am going to go dance. One friend tried to convince me not to go as I was way too drunk and would make a dick of myself on the empty dance floor but the rhythm was in my bones and back then if I had an idea in my head there was no stopping me. My other friend egged me on for her entertainment (can’t blame her!) I cring thinking about this moment, not that I remember it, but from what my friend have told me. This is how it was discribed to me ‘you started jumping around like you were in a mosh pit, Katy perry was playing but in your stupid drunk head it looked like you were listening to slayer’ dear lord even writing it I can picture it!!!! So while I’m leaping about like a FOOL on my own, on a huge dance floor, while everyone in the place was watching, I decide I need a wee. Badly.
I remember this bit… I ran to the toilet, as I open the cubicle door a song comes on that I love, in my head I think ‘ahhhh this is my song!!! I have to dance right now!!!’ Suddenly I have an Epiphany, the best idea I have ever had…. instead of pulling down my knickers and leggings to wee (which will waste precious dancing time cos I’m a dancing god tonight and look fantastic) I’ll WEE THROUGH MY CLOTHES it’ll run straight through them, yes I maybe have a tiny wee patch but it’ll be so small no one will ever know. And that, boys and girls is what I did. I sat down on that toilet and pissed through my knickers, leggings and skirt. Not for a second thinking that it’s going to spread through my clothes like a giant sponge. Dick.
I run back out and get back to my funky moves, the lights are flashing, the musics punping and mynight is perfect. Until one of my friends notices that every turn or jump I make I’m flicking some kind of liquid off my skirt at everyone around the edge of the dance floor. It’s spraying everywhere, people are screaming, it’s going up the walls, in people’s faces, on the speakers and I’m leaving a trail everywhere I go. My friend runs over trying to pull me off the dance floor, it takes two of them cos this girl loves to dance. It is then they realise I’m covered in wee. I denied I wet myself till I was blue in the face but the state I was in no one believed me! I told them my great plan to wee through clothes to make going to the toilet quicker, it was then a bouncer came over shouting ‘she’s got piss everywhere, u lot out’ and we had to leave.
Needless to say I never tried weeing through my clothes again, I also never went back to that club!!!! Eugh so cringe and gross lol but anyway, I hope you all had a good laugh at my expence and this made you smile!
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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