For the first time ever I wished I was normal 

Last night I had an internal emotional breakdown. Too many things went wrong in a small space of time which sent me plummeting down that big dark bipolar hole. The world was melting, I felt nothing but pure despair and my whole body hurt from emotional pain. I don’t usually write like this as I’m not a 14 year old emo girl and I tend to hide the intensity of my sadness but I really need to write this down as I don’t think I can talk out loud about it. 

I hid from my partner and our children in the bathroom and sobbed, I felt like I could of cried for ever there was an endless tear stream pouring down my face. I never want to worry anyone so I try and keep it to myself, which probably makes it worse. I find it embarrassing at my age I still have time where I feel like this, it’s how I felt as a teenager years before being diagnosed. I also realise it’s because of my bipolar and it can’t be helped, but when I was younger I used to tell myself it was because of teenage hormones and that it would go away.  But it really haven’t, medication has died it down but it still comes back.

For the first time ever last night I prayed that I could be normal. To who ever was listening out there in the vast void of the world I prayed with all my heart. I’ve never done that before, even when I’ve been seriously ill I’ve never wished to be normal. Bipolar makes me ME and yes there are ups and downs but as a grown up I have excepted who I am and I love that person. But last night I just had enough of the emotional roller coaster, and wished I could just have one day of feeling like a normal human being. I’ve taken extra medication today so I’m hoping to get a grip soon, until then I just have to wait and try and keep myself busy.

I hope your all doing well and have a wonderful day 

The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old

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4 comments

  1. I wish I felt normal for just one day all the time. I’m Bipolar 2, and for a while I was doing alright, no meds, just using tactics I had worked out myself to keep it together. Eventually, late last year I had to go back onto meds, just enough to keep me in check enough to operate. I hate meds, so the least amount I need to take the better. I also have fibromyalgia on top of it, and am in constant pain and in a continous state of fatigue. I guess, of both things, if I could just go one day without one of them, it would probably be the fibro, because I have forgot what it feels like to not have pain. Obviously, when the fibro’s bad, it sets off the Bipolar as well, and I too, find myself sitting on the loo bawling too. As a full time single dad, I can’t do it for long, as my son needs me. I know he knows that I’m not right, and he is the sweetest thing, but I always find myself having to put on “the face”, so he can have a somewhat normal life with me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bless u that must be really hard having both conditions, don’t know how you do it! It’s so hard putting on a brace face for the kids, my eldest knows when something’s up but she doesn’t know about the whole bipolar thing I’m waiting till she’s a bit older. In a way it’s probably a good thing as it keeps me going every day but it’s so draining. How old is your son? Xxx

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      • He’s nearly 7. He know’s that dad has a thing that makes him a bit funny in the head sometimes and I take medicine for it, and that I have fibro as well. Seeing that it is just the 2 of us at home, it’s a good thing he knows, just in case he needs to get me help if something goes pear-shaped. It’s hard explaining it to someone so young, but I think, well in my case anyhow, it’s important. Also helps break down the stigma thing too, the next generation and all.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wow that must be so hard it just being the two of you, totally understand u being so open with him. I have thought about talking to my daughter about it lately, mainly to reassure her that I’m not being funny with her it’s just what’s going on in my head. She’s 9 so think it would be easier now, it’s hard though thinking how to word it and she’s such a worrier I have to be so careful how I say things. Xxx

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