Last night I had an internal emotional breakdown. Too many things went wrong in a small space of time which sent me plummeting down that big dark bipolar hole. The world was melting, I felt nothing but pure despair and my whole body hurt from emotional pain. I don’t usually write like this as I’m not a 14 year old emo girl and I tend to hide the intensity of my sadness but I really need to write this down as I don’t think I can talk out loud about it.
I hid from my partner and our children in the bathroom and sobbed, I felt like I could of cried for ever there was an endless tear stream pouring down my face. I never want to worry anyone so I try and keep it to myself, which probably makes it worse. I find it embarrassing at my age I still have time where I feel like this, it’s how I felt as a teenager years before being diagnosed. I also realise it’s because of my bipolar and it can’t be helped, but when I was younger I used to tell myself it was because of teenage hormones and that it would go away. But it really haven’t, medication has died it down but it still comes back.
For the first time ever last night I prayed that I could be normal. To who ever was listening out there in the vast void of the world I prayed with all my heart. I’ve never done that before, even when I’ve been seriously ill I’ve never wished to be normal. Bipolar makes me ME and yes there are ups and downs but as a grown up I have excepted who I am and I love that person. But last night I just had enough of the emotional roller coaster, and wished I could just have one day of feeling like a normal human being. I’ve taken extra medication today so I’m hoping to get a grip soon, until then I just have to wait and try and keep myself busy.
I hope your all doing well and have a wonderful day
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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