At what age are you a grown up? 18? 21? When I look back to being that age I realise I was still a adolescent with a lot to learn, I was pregnant with my first child at 19 so I had to grow up fast. But I still had no idea what I was doing. In a few months time I’ll be turning 30 and I still don’t know what I’m doing!!! This is the first birthday ever I’m freaking out about. Because there is noway, at 30, you can tell yourself your not a grown up. And although I have achieved many things I wanted to achieve, I’m nowhere near where I want to be and that is a scary thought. I’ve got so many things I feel blessed for; my children, my boyfriend who I’ve been with since I was 19, my own business, my family and my friends.
But lately I’ve been thinking about all the things I haven’t gotten to do, I want to travel the world and see everything I can, I want to buy a house, I want to marry the love of my life (I can’t stand calling him my boyfriend it’s ridiculous!!), I want to be successful and not have to worry about money so much, I want to get to a healthy weight and stay there. There’s a lot I want to achieve and in the past it had never crossed my mind that it might not happen, but……..what if it doesn’t? What if I’m lying on my death bed (morbid as fuck I know) unmarried, fat, homeless, having never seen the beauty of the world?!?! What if I’m wasting my life just going through the motions?!?! Is this panic normal?! Does everyone feel like this? I’m petrified of dying unhappy. I realised I’m only turning 30, it’s not like I’m turning 80, but it’s still a worry lol.
I have decided the only thing that’s going to shape my future is me, so first I’m tackling our finances. Right now money is an issue so that’s what I’m going to try and fix first. I won’t go into details as it’s rather personal but I’m on a mission not to die feeling like my life was half lived and this is where I’m choosing to start!!
Sorry this is rather depressing and there is no final conclusion to brighten your day, I just needed to get this out there to cleanse my soul!!
The Secret Blog of a 30 Year Old
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